NICE SHOES

Eric, the Straight White Guy, is notably proud of his Fancy Footgear, and I can see why.

Not everybody has the wherewithal to purchase Serious Shoes like Eric. I’m talking Big-Time here: exotic leathers, handcrafted construction, with an extreme level of Attention to Detail.

Picture this: a pair of lace-up Saddle Oxfords. “Brown” does not do justice to their rich, mellow tone, a color midway between burnt sienna and raw umber. Heels and toes are covered in buffalo hide. No, not just buffalo hide. Water buffalo hide, tanned with the finest Old-World techniques and New-World technology, with a Mohs hardness approaching that of feldspar. The saddles are done up in Wyoming elk leather, a rare and expensive alternative to the more common Bull Moose.

The real attention to detail shines through when you look at the eyelets. Each one is painstakingly hand-crafted from the carefully harvested Ringmeat Muscle of a free-range organic brown rat. Sure, farm-raised White Rat Sphincters are much less expensive and far easier to obtain, but at a trade-off in durability. Who wants frayed eyelets after a few thousand hours of wear?

The laces have the tensile strength of suspension bridge supports. Not surprising, since they are braided from the nose-hairs of wild goats that have been fed a diet rich in Steel Cans.

A pair of shoes like this will set you back a few bills, for sure. But Eric will tell you all day long, it’s worth it. No other shoe will hold up under the extreme conditions of his lifestyle. No other shoe is equally at home at the elegant bar at The Palm in Buckhead – Atlanta’s tony entertainment district – and the shit-filled back alleys of Bangladesh. No other shoe makes the ladies swoon and the men fume in envious rage.

Hush Puppies? Fuck’m. Hush Puppies are for poseurs, and Merrells are for Girlie-Men. These babies are shoes for Real Men. Even Manolo’s Shoe Blog agrees:

Manolo says, the Eric, he is the Man who is knowing the Manly Shoe, the Shoe that is so manly that it makes the Manolo to make the Painful Hemorrhoid from the excessive excitement.

You want a pair just like ’em, you say?

Get your order in early, and be prepared to unlimber your wallet. Them free-range rats is mighty hard to catch this time of year.