GYM NAUSEAM

My friend Gary, like me, knows the Protocols and Etiquette of the Men’s Locker Room. You go in, take your shower, dry off, get dressed. Eyes above waist level. No unnecessary talking. These are The Rules. Unwritten they may be, but nonetheless engraved as if in iron.

But once in a while, someone will violate The Rules spectacularly.

I’m not talking about pissing in the shower (generally rude if there are no partitioned shower stalls, otherwise OK) or shaving in the steam room. That last one is usually frowned upon by Gymnasium Management, with signs posted prominently to that effect, but often ignored by those who know that there is no finer shave on the planet.

No, I’m talking about Freaky Behavior. Not the kind that will get you arrested, or punched in the cojones - but jes’ plain freaky.

And Gary seems to run into more than his share of these nutjobs.

Last week, he was in the locker room, cleaning up after a Sweaty Workout. And he noticed a guy who was using one of the blow dryers.

This, in itself, was not strange or unusual. The Management provides blow dryers so that their Male Clients may dry their hair after a shower.

But this guy was drying all of his hair.

Head hair. Armpit hair. Nutsack hair. Yep, he actually propped his foot up on a bench and started drying the Crotchly Area with that blow dryer.

Friends, this is simply not done.

But all Gary could do is shake his head in bemused wonderment. To confront the man would have violated the “No Unnecessary Talking” rule, which takes precedence over the “Do Not Gross Out The Clientele By Drying Your Nuts With The Blow Dryer” rule.

And besides, this is not the most heinous Locker Room Activity Gary has seen.

One time, as he was taking his shower, he noticed a gentleman get into one of the nearby shower stalls while still clad in his Tighty-Whities. OK, Gary thinks - some guys are modest. But this is where things get strange.

Once in the shower, the guy removes his briefs, then proceeds to soap them up (OK, this may be legitimate, too - washing your shorts in the shower isn’t too weird) and then uses them as a washcloth to wash himself. Armpits, ass, crotch, face, the works.

Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwww.

And when the guy finishes his shower, he steps out, wrings the pair of undershorts out, and puts them on again. Then he gets dressed, in a business suit, no less...with those damp, wrung-out (but presumably clean) briefs on underneath.

For my friend Gary, a real WTF Moment.

Just Damn!