FINALLY

A foolproof recipe for Roast Turkey.

The problem with roasting a turkey - for neophyte cooks, anyway - is that it’s hard to know just how long to cook the bird. Too little oven time, and you have an undercooked bird, with a chance for salmonella poisoning to boot. Too much, and the damn thing dries out. And those “pop-up” thingies are not always reliable.

Here is a turkey recipe that includes the use of popcorn (!) as a stuffing. It is unusual, surprisingly tasty, and perfect for people who need a little extra help figuring out the roasting time.

10-12 lb. turkey (fresh, or thawed if purchased frozen)
1 cup melted butter
1 bag stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher’s Low Fat)
Salt, pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350°F. Brush turkey well with melted butter; sprinkle all over with salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey’s ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it’s done.

Foolproof, I tell ya!

[Tip o’ th’ Elisson fedora to Mayer (Hizzoner) Smith.]