Dear Mr. Debonair,
Sometimes, when I find myself traveling to exotic locales, in particular those where Western-style facilities are unavailable, I am unsure how to comport myself in the restrooms. What do you recommend I do?
A Heterosexual Caucasian Gentleman
Dear Heterosexual Caucasian Gentleman,
Mr. Debonair knows that not all places offer the comforts - and the Comfort Stations - of home. But if you follow my advice, you’ll never have a problem.
Say you find yourself in a Tropical Paradise...Bangladesh, for example...where the facilities consist of a hole in the floor and a bucket of water with a ladle.
If you have been following Mr. Debonair’s Travel Tips (available for $5.00, payable in cheque or Money Order in US funds, and accompanied by a stamped, self-addressed envelope), you already have on your person the Indispensable Traveler’s Friend: a Cocktail Napkin.
Carefully lower your trousers, taking care that you do not trample them unnecessarily into the evil detritus that is generally to be found on the floor of what our Indonesian friends refer to as the “Kamar Kecil.” Position youself carefully over the hole and let fly.
Once you have performed your Personal Business – and by this we mean Personal Business of the Defecative Variety – take your Cocktail Napkin in hand, and carefully remove a ¼-inch piece of paper from the center of the napkin. Reserve this; you will need it later.
Now, take your left middle finger and poke it through the hole you have made in the napkin. (See illustration.)
Using this finger, cleanse your Nether Orifice thoroughly. Once you have completed the task, carefully withdraw your finger from the hole in the napkin, whilst simultaneously using the napkin to remove the Offensive Personal Business from your finger. You are almost finished.
Take the reserved ¼-inch piece of napkin and roll it into a tight cylinder. Use this to clean underneath the fingernail of the left middle finger.
Discard the napkin, and you are good to go!
Oh, that bucket of water? Needless to say, all of this activity - especially in Tropical Climes - is likely to work up quite a thirst! Feel free to utilize the thoughtfully-provided water as a Refreshing Beverage.