Friday, July 10, 2009

EXCREMENTRICITY: A 100-WORD STORY

Fossil fuel supplies were dwindling fast. Worse, they were located in remote places, places often ruled by tinpot dictators and corrupt kings. Clean, cheap nuclear power had scary disadvantages, like waste disposal. Wind and water power were hostage to geography and required costly, high-maintenance equipment.

The search for an inexpensive, inexhaustible supply of energy frustrated scientists for years, but it was just another challenge to be overcome by Cristobal “Colon” Carlinsky.

When Carlinsky discovered how to convert shit to electricity, he was hailed as a genius, becoming wealthy beyond measure. The world rejoiced.

Doodiecell: The Copro-Top Battery. Get one today!

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TODAY’S PITH AND VINEGAR

Here follows a conversation overheard by the Mistress of Sarcasm yesterday at our neighborhood pool:

Five-year-old girl #1: Did you hear that Michael Jackson died?

Five-year-old girl #2: Yes.

Five-year-old girl #1: You know, the only reason why he died is because he said “yes” to drugs.

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THE NAVIGATOR

Back in my Snot-Nose Days, I looked forward to our annual road trip to Florida. It was a long-ass time in the car, but it had its compensations. One of those was the opportunity to have my annual bottle of Dr Pepper, a mysterious and exotic soft drink that, at the time, was not available in New York. Another was using the AAA Triptik booklet to keep track of our slow and steady progress as we wended our way up and down the eastern seaboard.

Every page in the Triptik booklet represented a measurable chunk of travel progress: somewhere between 90 and 160 miles. Every page turned meant we were that much closer to our destination. And every page was filled with landmarks, names of nondescript towns that became familiar over the years. Santee. Walterboro. Dillon.

The Triptik is still around, but I have a feeling its days are numbered. For that, you can thank (or curse) Modern Technology.

Finding your way from Point A to Point B is a lot easier these days, thanks to a whole host of Electronic Navigational Devices. For computers, you have Google Maps, Google Earth, Mapquest. And on the road, you’ve got Magellan, Tom Tom, Garmin. Higher-end automobiles - and smart phones (like my iPhone) - incorporate Global Positioning System (GPS) capability as well.

These days, when someone tells you to get lost, you can ask him, “Now how the fuck am I gonna manage to do that?”

I never gave much thought to ever owning a GPS device, but when the notoriously technology-averse Eli (hizzownself) got one - and actually used it! - we could see the handwriting on the wall. Even he saw that there was value in having a doo-dad that would bark navigational orders at you as you drove places. Eventually, we bought one for the Mistress of Sarcasm, who was always somewhat cartographically challenged... and it proved to be a godsend.

And thus it was that She Who Must Be Obeyed drank deep of the GPS Kool-Aid. She bought us a Garmin about a month ago: a soi-disé anniversary present.

The Mistress had dubbed her Garmin “Carmen the Garmin.” We accordingly named ours “Charmaine the Garmaine.”

Except for a few places where her routing instructions make No Fucking Sense Whatsoever, Charmaine is fairly useful. Amusing, too - because the geniuses that programmed her Voice Module have a few kinks still to work out.

Abbreviations, f’r instance. You and I know that “Dr.” can stand for both “Doctor” and “Drive” - and that “St.” can stand for both “Saint” and “Street.” You'd think that the text-to-voice algorithms for a GPS device would be set up for, say, street names, eh? When I hear “In 0.2 miles, turn right on Riverside Doctor,” or “Turn left on N Saint,” it kinda sorta undermines Charmaine’s credibility a tad.

But this is merely a quibble. It’s amazing technology, this GPS business... and maybe a bit scary to know that there are chunks of metal orbiting the Earth that know where you’ve been. Gaaah!

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FRIDAY RANDOM TEN

It’s Friday, time yet again for the Friday Random Ten. That’s where I put up a list of Randomly-Generated Tunage barfed out by my Little White Choon-Box. The point (and there is one) is to give you a bit of insight into my musical tastes... or at least, a peek at the contents of my iPod. Whether that is meaningful to you or not is another question.

This weekend, we’ll be relaxing at home for once, having spent all too much time on the road in recent weeks. “Relaxing,” of course, is a relative term, as She Who Must Be Obeyed prepares to host a wedding shower for the daughter of our friends Marc and Shelly. It will be, in part, a Wine-Tasting shower, so my Sommelier Guild expertise and contacts will prove useful.

Meanwhile, what’s playing today? Let’s take a look, shall we?
  1. Brain Smashing Dub - Linton Kwesi Johnson

  2. The Last Laugh (featuring Van Morrison) - Mark Knopfler

  3. Ghosts - Randy Newman

  4. The Shaft and Finale - Bernard Herrmann, Journey to the Center of the Earth (1959)

  5. The Fool on the Hill - The Beatles

  6. Sinfonia in D major (from Cantata #29) - Wendy Carlos: J. S. Bach

  7. The Vacuumist - Mitch Hedberg

  8. The Enchantment - Chick Corea and Béla Fleck

  9. Act I: Behold the Lord High Executioner - D’Oyly Carte Opera Company, The Mikado

  10. Dikiy Muzhchina (live) - Leningrad

    Ты называешь меня говнюком
    Да, я все время бухой
    И твою жопу при людях хватаю
    Своей волосатой рукой.

    Да, мои ноги вонючие палки
    На которых все в дырках носки
    А эти две кучи из пыли и грязи -
    Это мои башмаки.

    Да, ты права, я - дикий мужчина,
    Ты права, я - дикий мужчина,
    Ты права, я - дикий мужчина:
    Яйца, табак, перегар и щетина

    Да, ты права, я - дикий мужчина,
    Ты права, я - дикий мужчина,
    Ты права, я - дикий мужчина:
    Яйца, табак, перегар и щетина


It’s Friday. What are you listening to?

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FUZZY FRIDAY

The Ark sets sail upon the Bloggy Sea;
The bowsprit crashes with the billows’ heave.
But all within are safe and sound, you see -
They’re in the care of noble Captain Steve.


Friday Ark #151 is up at the Modulator.

This Sunday, be sure to visit the Carnival of the Cats, the 278th installment of which will be hosted by The M-Cats Club. It’s Cat-Astrophic™!

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Thursday, July 09, 2009

ANOTHER SNAFU BY THE GREY LADY

Several months ago, the New York Times website linked to one of my posts, placing me in the august company of real Content Providers like the Wall Street Journal and Time magazine.

The joke, of course, was that the Times somehow confused a post I had written about Hungarian Goulash with something that might conceivably be of interest to readers looking for “world news about Hungary, including breaking news and archival articles published in the New York Times.”

Amusing, to be sure, but not half as amusing as their linking to my recent piece about the Hubble Space Telescope:

NYT Webpage 070909
Today’s New York Times webpage. [Click to embiggen.]

I’m sure our young nephew William will be pleased to know that the photograph he took of his cat’s asshole has now been linked by the prestigious, tasteful Grey Lady. And that same Grey Lady would be most displeased to know the same.

Ain’t Science grand?

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Wednesday, July 08, 2009

YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WIENER:
A 100-WORD ELEGY

Oscar Mayer, whose grandfather helped found his namesake company, has gone to the Great Sausage Grinder in the Sky. He was ninety-five.

Oscar Mayer (the company) stood out from its competitors partly because of its catchy jingles... and the Wienermobile.

At Mayer’s request, the Wienermobile will not make an appearance at his sendoff: Unlike his father and grandfather before him, he wished to avoid the funerary spectacle of a car shaped like a giant Meat-Dick.

Me, if my bologna had a first name and a last name that matched mine, I’d want that Wienermobile at my funeral. As the hearse.

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HUBBLE TROUBLE?

Thanks to recent repairs to the Hubble Space Telescope conducted as part of the STS-125 Atlantis shuttle mission, we should expect its useful life to be extended at least through 2014.

It’s an amazing tool, the Hubble Telescope... and the latest fixes have made it even more so:
With the newly installed Wide Field Camera, Hubble will be able to observe in ultraviolet and infrared spectrums as well as visible light, peer deep onto the cosmic frontier in search of the earliest star systems and study planets in the solar system. The telescope’s new Cosmic Origins Spectrograph will allow it to study the grand-scale structure of the universe, including the star-driven chemical evolution that produce carbon and the other elements necessary for life. [NASA]
Since its initial launch in 1990 (and an early repair mission in 1993 to correct issues with the ’scope’s main mirror), the Hubble has provided a stream of astounding images of distant cosmic events. Here are a few:

Jupiter’s Red Spots
Jupiter’s Red Spots.
[Image: M. Wong and I. de Pater (University of California, Berkeley)]


Star-Birth Clouds in M16
Star-Birth Clouds in M16.
[Image: NASA, ESA, STScI, J. Hester and P. Scowen (Arizona State University)]


Cone Nebula
Cone Nebula.
[Image: NASA, H. Ford (Johns Hopkins University), G. Illingworth (UCSC/LO), M.Clampin and G. Hartig (STScI), the ACS Science Team, and ESA]


Omega/Swan Nebula (M17)
Turbulent Gases in the Omega/Swan Nebula (M17).
[Image: NASA, ESA, J. Hester (Arizona State University)]


Some of these dramatic images depict phenomena that are reasonably well-understood, at least by current astronomical and astrophysical standards. Atmospheric turbulence on a gas-giant planet. Star formation. Other Hubble images have captured the accretion discs of collapsed stars, the titanic energies of colliding galaxies.

This recent image, however, has proven to be completely mysterious:

Cosmic Mystery
A cosmic mystery.
[Image: William Magnus]


What the hell is it, anyway? A quasar at the edge of the known universe? A chunk of ice and dust from the Oort Cloud that surrounds our solar system? The double-domes at JPL and NASA have been completely flummoxed.

Until now...

Cosmic Mystery, Revealed At Last!
Cosmic mystery, revealed. It’s Ringo’s ass!
[Image: William Magnus]


Why, it’s the Cat’s-Ass Nebula!

A tip o’ th’ Elisson fedora goes to Morris William, who forwarded the two Mysterious Images above - taken by our nephew William on his Daddy’s iPhone!

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Tuesday, July 07, 2009

INDEPENDENCE DAY IN THE CRADLE OF LIBERTY

Philadelphia at Dawn

I’ve visited Philadelphia numerous times over the years. In the early 1970’s, we would make the occasional pilgrimage to the Spectrum, a favorite concert venue. And throughout the mid-1980’s, I would journey there on various Business Errands for the Great Corporate Salt Mine. But these visits were transitory - quick in-and-out events. Wham, bam, etc.

It was in 1980 - fully half my lifetime ago - that She Who Must Be Obeyed and I spent a long weekend in the City of Brotherly Love, accompanied by Elder (then Only) Daughter. We did all of the obligatory Touristy Shit: Independence Hall, the Liberty Bell, Betsy Ross’s house, Elfreth’s Alley, the Mint. We ate cheesesteaks; we ate hot soft pretzels with mustard; we ate at Bookie’s.

But last weekend, I saw Philadelphia at its Philliest. Independence Day!

I was there for a convention, arriving Wednesday noon and departing Sunday morning, during which time SWMBO elected to stay in Washington with Elder Daughter. Most of the time, the heavy schedule of convention activities kept me indoors at the Loew’s Hotel, but I had a few opportunities to wander off when there was a break in the action.

And you never know who you might stumble into in the heart of Philadelphia. Look:

Mr. Fish and MacMac and Elisson at Capogiro

It’s Mac, of pesky’apostrophe, with Mr. Fish and me!

Mac and I have been online acquaintances for a ridiculously long time, even unto guest posting on each other’s sites, but until last Thursday we had never encountered each other in Meatworld. It’s an omission we were both happy to correct.

We couldn’t conclude our (thoroughly enjoyable) visit without a stop at Mac’s favorite gelato place, Capogiro, conveniently located at 13th and Sansome - just a couple of blocks from my hotel.

Timing is everything. Capogiro’s 13th Street location had only just reopened after having been closed due to a fire... but open they were, and the daily offerings were spectacularly tasty. Alas, Single Malt Scotch gelato was not on the menu that day (it was, however, four days later) - but the Cioccolato Scuro (dark, dark, bittersweet chocolate), Pistaccio Siciliano (Sicilian pistachio), and Turkish Coffee flavors were ass-kicking, rollicking bombshells of flavor.

Gelato at Capogiro
Assorted gelato flavors at Capogiro.

[I made two return trips to Capogiro, the last of which was at midnight Saturday, accompanied by a small army of fellow conventioneers. A fine nightcap after a spectacular fireworks show!]

We had a chance to wander around a bit on Saturday afternoon. The streets were filled with people getting ready to enjoy a free Sheryl Crow concert, with fireworks to follow above the Art Museum. Later, we would enjoy those fireworks from the vantage point of the 33rd floor of the Loews Hotel.

A few blocks on the other side of City Hall, I noticed the looming hulk of the Sheraton Hotel. In my mind’s eye, I saw a picture of a little girl, barely more than a toddler, standing in the elevator lobby. I would be seeing that little girl again in less than 24 hours. Well, not quite so little: She’s now thirty years old and living in the nation’s capital 125 miles to the south. And the independent spirit she has today might just be the result of that early childhood visit to the Cradle of Independence... Philadelphia!

More pics below the fold.

City Hall 2
City Hall, from the inside of the courtyard.

City Hall 1
City Hall, from the outside. That’s William Penn at the top.

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THE (PLA)CENTA CANNOT HOLD

I have eaten a lot of strange things in my lifetime. My having a semi-adventurous palate, coupled with extensive travel in Asia, means that some, ahhh, interesting food has, at one time or another, crossed my lips.

But this... this is completely Beyond the Pale. Human Placenta!

Yes: in a Time magazine article graciously forwarded to us by our friend Catherine, intrepid columnist Joel Stein holds forth on the experience he and his wife had recently with the Placenta Lady. There’s even a video!

I encourage you to read it all (gag). But I will tell you in advance that the end result of the Placenta Lady’s preparations is a bottle of Placenta Pills. Capsules, to be precise. Which sounds vaguely medicinal... and which doesn’t impress (or horrify) me nearly as much as if she had sliced that sucker up and fried it with onions in a little duck schmaltz.

Never mind the after dinner mints - how ’bout some afterbirth-fer-dinner mints! Yeef.

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WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

Sunday afternoon, the Missus and I grabbed a late lunch at Bistrot du Coin in Washington D.C. while Elder Daughter rehearsed for a performance art piece that would be previewed later that evening.

We had last dined there with fellow Online Journalist Meryl Yourish and our friend Sue in what amounted to an advance observance of IEATAPETA Day. This time, however, for the sake of variety, I decided to have the magret de canard (roasted duck breast) in lieu of the hanger steak. And I was not disappointed.

SWMBO’s vantage point afforded her a fine view of the street, to which the windows had been thrown open. It was almost like dining at a sidewalk café. But what caught her eye was a family sitting just a few feet away: husband, wife, and two young boys, all with typical Northern European blond hair. Check ’em out:

Bistro Gameboys

Now: What’s wrong with this picture?

Why, check out the kids, foreheads resting upon the table as their attention is focused exclusively on the Gameboys in their laps.

If my brother (the Other Elisson) or I had ever laid our heads down on a restaurant table like that, our asses would have been swatted hard enough to rattle our teeth. “Sit up straight! Where do you think you are, in Stupid-Land?”

When people wonder what killed the art of Family Conversation, invite them to examine this image. The answer is right there. Fucking video games!

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JACKASS DU JOUR

Jackass du Jour

It’s so nice, driving down the freeway with your leg propped up against the dashboard... until an unanticipated event causes the airbag to inflate with sudden violence, snapping your tibia like a fucking chicken bone.

Jackass du jour, for sure.

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Monday, July 06, 2009

FIVE YEARS ON

It’s hard to believe - at least, for me - but this moment marks the fifth anniversary of this site’s (extremely) humble beginning.

Five. Frickin’. Years. Who’d a thunkit?

When I started, I was looking for a wall to plaster with my miscellaneous written junk, a place to stow my Mental Slushpile. And in five years, not a whole lot has changed as regards the stuff I post about. Looking at my very first post, I see that there’s at least one fuckbomb, and significant (if slightly veiled) references to Human Excrement. And the post itself is about food. Why, it’s no less than a harbinger of things to come: All it’s missing is a cat photo.

Yep, that’s my Online Journalism in a nutshell. Food, shit, cats, and fuckbombs. And Vile Poetry. Everything else is gravy.

It’s a bizarre but satisfying hobby, this Blodgy Bidnis. Along the way, it has resulted in numerous friendships, many of which have even crossed the boundary between Mondo Electronico and Meatworld. I’ve broken bread with fascinating people, almost none of whom I would likely have crossed paths with in the course of normal life. It’s a strange, unexpected benefit of This Thing We Do.

Five years. Over 350,000 site visits. Over 3,500 posts. Oy.

A tip o’ th’ Elisson fedora is warranted, by way of thanking my small but loyal cadre of Esteemed Readers and Commenters. You know who you are. My stated - and ongoing - mission of Self-Aggrandizement and Time-Wastage could never have been achieved without your help.

As my former employer might have said, “Thanks for stopping by!” I hope y’all continue to do so.

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Thursday, July 02, 2009

THE DEAR DEPARTED

Sunlit Neighbor
Neighbor.

Sunny Stairs Matata
Matata.


Stripes.

They once were here, but now they’re gone -
Où sont les chats d’antan?

These kitties, they have all passed on.
Où sont les chats d’antan?

Across the Rainbow Bridge they’ve run -
Où sont les chats d’antan?

To have Eternal Kitty-Fun.
Où sont les chats d’antan?

A brief “paws” to remember those who have Gone Before.

Update: Friday Ark #250 (there’s gotta be a name for that!) is up at the Modulator. Wait: there’s more - Carnival of the Cats #277 has hopped over to Mind of Mog. Lotsa kitties!

Update 2: Sad news. Sammy, the Kitty d’Eli (Hizzownself), has passed on, the victim of a fulminating, rapidly-growing cancer. Ave atque vale.

Sammy Under the Table
Sammy.

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Wednesday, July 01, 2009

BIG NIGHT

Many of my Esteemed Readers are familiar with Big Night, a 1996 film in which Stanley Tucci and Tony Shalhoub play brothers whose dream of running a restaurant is, alas, Not Working Out.

The problem is that, while the brothers are brilliant in the kitchen, mid-1950’s New Jersey is not ready for their authentic Italian cuisine. The local clientele wants plenty of red sauce, flaming dishes prepared tableside, and lounge singers. They get incensed when their risotto does not come with a side of spaghetti and meatballs. They are, in fine, idiots... and the brothers’ elegant dishes are as pearls before swine.

That’s the setup. I won’t divulge any more of the plot, but I will tell you that the movie also features Ian Holm as the brothers’ competitor Pascal (“Bite your teeth into the ass of life!”), who runs a “give ’em what they want” place down the street; Isabella Rossellini; and Minnie Driver. It’s a tragicomic tour de force, worth seeing for Ian Holm’s performance alone.

Big Night inspired our own “Big Night” a few days ago: a big-league Italian dinner followed by a screening of - what else? - Big Night.

She Who Must Be Obeyed makes a killer Baked Stuffed Shells, a dish that showcases her made-from-scratch tomato sauce. You’d hardly expect food like this to come from the kitchen of a Jewish girl from Foat Wuth, Texis, but SWMBO has the chops - thanks in small part to great-aunt Dorothy (who married an Italian guy way back when, and knew how to cook his favorite foods); and to Rose, a family friend of long standing.

To complement the Stuffed Shells, I made a pile of sautéed zucchini with Parmesan, along with rapini (broccoli rabe) with onions and garlic. SWMBO assembled a gigantic green salad, and I fixed up a loaf of roasted garlic bread.

All of this was washed down with a 2000-vintage Prunotto Barbaresco. Yummy!

Dessert? SWMBO served lemon sorbetto with fresh raspberries, a suitable coda to a superb Meal and Movie. Big Night, indeed!

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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, O MISTRESS

Mistress Birthday
The Mistress of Sarcasm in her Youthful Days.

The Mistress of Sarcasm celebrates having completed twenty-seven trips around the sun today.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe how much water has passed under the proverbial Bridge o’ Time. But it has... and the evidence is right before our eyes. A beautiful, talented young woman, where once there stood a little girl.

She is one of the few people who can (almost) make me laugh unto the point of unconsciousness. This is especially scary, because we find the same things amusing.

Mistress and Elvis
The Mistress of Sarcasm celebrates with the help of an inflated King. How ’bout a hunka hunka birthday cake?

I did say “talented”, didn’t I? Take a gander at that pendant. One evening, she was inspired by an antique electric fan - one of the many items in her Great Accumulation of Arty Tchotchkes - and decided to render a miniature version of it in sterling silver, for use as a piece of jewelry. Here it be, in closeup:

Fan Pendant
“Antique fan” pendant in sterling silver, created by the Mistress.

Snazzy, eh?

She Who Must Be Obeyed may have put it best: it may be the Mistress’s birthday, but we’re the ones who received a gift twenty-seven years ago... and it’s a gift that we continue to treasure more every day. Happy Birthday, O Mistress of Sarcasm, my love!

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Monday, June 29, 2009

ROASTY

Roasted Corn with Chesapeake Butter

The Grill-Roasted Corn with Chesapeake Butter pictured above is one of the tasty goodies with which we celebrated the Mistress of Sarcasm’s impending birthday yesterday evening. Dinner consisted of Grilled Meat, in accordance with the desire of the Mistress (a chip off the old block, evidently) - and so why not grill a veggie, too?

Our early celebration was necessitated by the fact that the Missus and I are, even as I post this, heading northeast for the week. We’ll stop in Dee-Cee to visit Elder Daughter, after which I will continue onward unto the City of Brotherly Love. Philadelphia! Home of cheese steaks, soft pretzels and mustard, Tastykakes, a certain brand of cream cheese, the first U.S. Mint... and, incidentally, the Cradle of American Independence. Also the site of this year’s biennial FJMC Convention, which is what brings me back for the first time in well over a decade.

But we were talking Roasted Corn, weren’t we? Yes, we were.

To make this stuff, I adapted a Cook’s Illustrated recipe. You shuck your fresh ears of corn, throw ’em in a big pot of water in which you’ve dissolved a half-cup of salt, and let ’em brine for at least a half-hour. Then you put them directly on a hot grill - no foil wrapping. Turn the ears frequently; you want them caramelized nicely but not carbonized. It should take about 15 minutes to get them nice and tender.

While the corn is brining, make the Chesapeake Butter. Combine a stick of softened butter, a teaspoon or so of Tabasco, a couple of cloves of minced, pressed, or finely grated garlic, and one or two teaspoons of Old Bay seasoning. Mix well. When the corn is done, slather the ears with this butter. It’s like a landmine of flavor. Yowza!

We gobbled up the corn along with some Korean-style marinated flank steak, sautéed green beans with lemon-soy butter, and a nice green salad... leaving room for a slice of superb raspberry layer cake (courtesy of Publix). Hey, not every damn thing is made from scratch here!

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Saturday, June 27, 2009

A BIT OF RESIDENTIAL NOSTALGIA

Eli and Elisson, 1955
Eli and Elisson, September 1955.

You’re looking at a photograph of Eli (hizzownself) and his young son - Eli’s son, AKA Yours Truly - taken in September, 1955 in front of our old Unqua Road residence in Massapequa, New York. The Old Man is all of thirty years old in this picture; I am a month shy of my third birthday. I’m pretty sure I was toilet-trained by then.

I was a nine-month-old infant when Eli and family moved from Brooklyn to the blue suburban skies of Long Island. As such, my earliest memories are of that house on Unqua Road, our home for fourteen years.

I remember the basement, with its dim, dark, dank corners and the mysterious Heating Oil Tank that sat against the western wall. The basement also served as our laundry room: the washer (and later, the dryer) sat against the eastern wall, while a handy trap door in the bathroom on the main floor allowed us to throw our soiled clothing directly into a waiting basket below.

There was also a crawl space behind the basement stairs, a place so shrouded in mystery, I never thought to explore it. I was content to imagine how we could convert the basement into a makeshift fallout shelter when the bombs started falling - as I figured they inevitably would. Yeesh.

After we had been in the house a few years, there were some necessary renovations. A screened and heated porch was added in the back of the house, and the garage - visible behind Eli’s shoulder in the photo above - was converted into a family room. To replace it, a new detached garage was built on the other side of the house, a narrow breezeway separating it from the house. I have a dim, fragmentary recollection of playing on the garage’s newly-poured concrete slab before the framing was put up.

We moved out of that house 42 years ago, but it still stands. Here it is today:

Chez Elisson - Unqua Road
The Unqua Road house, June 2009.

The original cedar shingles have long since been replaced by vinyl siding, but you can recognize the master bedroom window, the one with the white shutters and windowbox in the 1955 pic. On the left side of the picture you can see where the garage used to be. The steps and railing are new, as is the circular driveway. Our old lamp-post, added after the garage conversion, still stands.

I was curious about how the place looked inside, but not enough to scare the crap out of the current resident by ringing the doorbell.

We moved out of that typical suburban ranch house in 1967. Our new home, a grand total of three blocks away, was a bit more contemporary. Here’s a current photo:

Chez Elisson - Pocahontas Street
The Pocahontas Street house, June 2009.

Yes, that caption says Pocahontas Street. Pocahontas Street West, to be exact. If you didn’t care for ridiculous-sounding Indian names, you had no business living in Massa-fucking-pequa.

The landscaping has grown a bit more lush in the eighteen years since Eli moved away, and the fence on the left is new... but this is pretty much how it looked when we lived there. The Japanese red maple, now huge, hides the front entry in this view, but my old bedroom window is visible behind the pink azalea. And that long, sloped roof is the very one upon which Danny Baldwin would climb on the odd evening, there to run around and drive my parents insane. [Years later, when he worked for a landscaping company that was doing some work at the house, he sought an audience with my mother in order to proffer an apology.]

Oh, the Baldwins. Alec, Billy, Danny, and Stephen... and sisters Beth and Jane. They lived one street over, at the southwest corner of Iroquois and Sunset Road, in a house that was, at the time, a Legendary Eyesore. It’s a respectable place now:

Chez Baldwin
The Baldwin house on Iroquois Avenue.

As with most Budding Delinquents, I’m sure they were a fun buncha kids. But this is only conjecture on my part. Alec, eldest of the brothers, was six years younger than me, so our paths rarely crossed.

Ahh, if only walls could talk... what stories they could tell!

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Friday, June 26, 2009

USELESS INVENTION OF THE WEEK

iPhonebooth
[Photo credit: SWMBO.]

Presenting...the iPhonebooth!

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TODAY’S PITH AND VINEGAR

BobG’s comment at this post got me thinking... about an idea for a Great New Reality Show.

Maroon twelve celebrity contestants on an inaccessible island. Give ’em plenty of fine food: steaks, lobster, the works. Gourmet stuff. Let ’em eat to their hearts’ content...

... and then give them a powerful laxative (Ex-Lax in the chocolate mousse, f’r instance) and a pack of Zig-Zags. Now, watch the fun begin.

It would be a real test of ingenuity.

And you, Esteemed Reader, have your own test of ingenuity: What would you call this show? Please share your best ideas in the comments.

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PLYING THEIR TRADE

At first I thought the Bunwad-Merchants were pulling a Hershey Bar Scam on us.

The Hershey Bar Scam, for those who are not pruned-up enough to remember, is how the chocolate people dealt with fluctuating raw material costs. For many years, you could buy a Hershey milk chocolate bar for a mere five cents... but it wasn’t always the same size. In 1930, that nickel bar weighed two full ounces, but by 1968 it had shrunk to ¾ ounce. It’s simply a hidden price increase, and it works because people pay way more attention to the price of the package than they do to the amount they buy. But it’s the unit cost that really counts.

For a moment, I suspected that the Asswipe Boys were taking a page from the same book. Or pulling a sheet off the same roll, to customize the analogy.

Most of us are accustomed to using two-ply paper, except on boats and in cheap hotels, where single-ply is the norm. (Ecch. Ouch.) Two plies seem to provide the perfect balance between softness and durability: You want to get the job done with a minimum of irritation and chafing, while at the same time not generating a “bush full of berries” (so to speak).

Technological advance continues apace, however, and the World o’ Bunwad is no exception. Quilted Northern has introduced their “Ultra Plush” line, with three (count ’em) plies of tush-friendly paper. Hey, the razor-blade people are doing it... why not the Asswipers?

When I first heard about this Wonderful New Invention, I was skeptical. I’m not a fan of overly soft Tee-Pee, mainly because it tends to form those nasty dingleberries, the existence of which has now been officially acknowledged by the Charmin Bears:



(That’s right! Bears got dingleberries!)

But a couple of weeks ago, when the Missus and I were on a Bunwad-Hunt, we found a great big package of this Ultra Plush stuff and decided to give it a try, thanks to its being heavily discounted.

It was the Missus who first noticed the difference.

Never mind that the paper was, indeed, both softer and more prone to berrification. That was bad enough... but the clincher was the dimensions of the roll. The three-ply rolls are a half-inch narrower.

It’s not so much that the roll looks weird on a standard Tee-Pee Dispenser. It’s that I’m used to having a certain amount of papery real-estate in my hand when I commence to wiping. I like the roll to be at least as wide as my hand, for obvious reasons.

The package, of course, tells you how many sheets per roll you get, how thick they are, and the dimensions of each sheet, as well as the total area on the roll. But I suspect that a vanishingly small number of people actually look to see the dimensions of the sheets. The Quilted Northern Ultra Plush sheets are are 4 x 4 inches, compared to 4½ x 3½ inches for the traditional products. Narrower but longer.

So it’s not really a Hershey Bar Scam after all. The narrow sheets actually have 1.5% more area. Wheeee!

But I still prefer the traditional Roll Dimensions. I mean, let’s pull an extrapolatio ad absurdum, shall we? If this trend continues, in a few years we’ll see twenty-ply bunwad with individual sheets measuring ½ x 36 inches. They’ll be really soft, but you’ll have to use ’em like Rectal Floss. Oy.

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FRIDAY RANDOM TEN

It’s Friday, time once again for the Friday Random Ten, that obnoxious exercise in Musical Miscellany in which I put up a list of songs spewed out (at random, of course) by the iPod d’Elisson.

What’s playing today? Lessee:
  1. Radar - Bernard Herrmann, The Day the Earth Stood Still (1950)

  2. Matchbox - The Beatles

  3. Tell Me Why - The Beatles

  4. Fire And Chains - Frank Zappa

  5. Wachet Auf (from Cantata #1 40) - Wendy Carlos (J. S. Bach)

  6. Train in Vain (Stand by Me) - The Clash

  7. Club Limbo - Squirrel Nut Zippers

  8. The Way You Look Tonight - Stan Getz & Dizzy Gillespie

  9. Bratislava - Beirut

  10. Weapon of Choice - Fatboy Slim

    Break, eject
    Eject, eject
    Break, eject
    Eject, eject

    Break, eject
    Eject, eject
    Break, eject
    Eject, eject

    ’Fore they catch ya chainsmokin’ (word)
    ’Fore they catch ya chainsmokin’ (word)
    ’Fore they catch ya chainsmokin’ (word)
    ’Fore they catch ya chainsmokin’ (word)

    ’Fore they catch ya chainsmokin’ (word)
    ’Fore they catch ya chainsmokin’ (word)
    ’Fore they catch ya chainsmokin’ (word)
    ’Fore they catch ya chainsmokin’ (word)

    ’Fore they catch ya, ’fore they catch ya
    ’Fore they catch ya, ’fore they catch ya
    ’Fore they catch ya, ’fore they catch ya
    ’Fore they catch ya, ’fore they catch ya

    Don’t be shocked by tone of my voice
    Check out my new weapon, weapon of choice
    Don’t be shocked by tone of my voice
    Check out my new weapon, weapon of choice, yeah

    Listen to the sound of my voice (aah...)
    You can check it on out, it’s the weapon of choice, yeah

    Don’t be shocked by the tone of my voice (aah...)
    It’s the new weapon, the weapon of choice

    You can blow with this
    Or you can blow with that
    You can blow with this
    Or you can blow with that
    Or you can blow with this
    Or you can blow with that
    Or you can blow with us

    You can blow with this
    Or you can blow with that
    You can blow with this
    Or you can blow with that
    You can blow with...

    Walk without rhythm, it won’t attract the worm
    Walk without rhythm, and it won’t attract the worm
    Walk without rhythm, and it won’t attract the worm
    If you walk without rhythm (uh), you never learn, yeah

    Don’t be shocked by the tone of my voice
    Check out my new weapon, weapon of choice

    Don’t be shocked by the tone of my voice
    Check out my new weapon, weapon of choice

    (Can’t forget to load it)
    Before they catch ya chainsmokin’
    (Can’t forget to load it)
    Before they catch ya chainsmokin’
    (Can’t forget to load it)
    Before they catch ya chainsmokin’
    (Can’t forget to load it)
    Before they catch ya chainsmokin’

    You can go with this
    You can go with that
    You can go with this
    Or you can go with that
    Or you can go with this
    Or you can go with that
    Or you can go with us

    You can go with this
    You can go with that
    You can go with this
    Or you can go with that
    Or you can go with...

    Organically grown
    Through the hemisphere I roam
    To make love to the angels of light, yeah, and my girl
    I guess you just don’t understand
    It’s gone beyond bein’ a man
    As I drift off into the night
    I’m in flight

    Break, eject
    Eject, eject
    Break, eject
    Eject, eject

    Break, eject
    Eject, eject
    Eject, eject
    Eject, eject

    Break, eject
    Eject, eject
    Break, eject
    Eject, eject

    Eje, Eje, Eje, Eje, Eje, Eje, Eje, Eje, Eje, Eje, Eje...


It’s Friday. What are you listening to?

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

EQUAL... BUT SEPARATE

Another fine essay by my friend Ron Feinberg, this one posted at Like The Dew.

It’s (mostly) about Ron’s experiences as a Jewish student at the University of Georgia in the late 1960’s - a time of growing (but as of yet, very incomplete) enlightenment.

As I read accounts of newly-released transcripts of conversations between Richard Nixon and the Reverend Billy Graham in 1973, I find myself completely unsurprised... especially after reading Ron’s post.

Go. Read it all.

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THE KING (OF POP) IS DEAD

News flash: Michael Jackson has died at the age of 50, reportedly of a heart attack.

Holy fuckamoley.

More to follow. I have not yet decided whether to include my usual array of tasteless jokes.

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A FAREWELL TO FARRAH

Farewell, Farrah

Farrah Fawcett, one of the original Charlie’s Angels, is in the process of getting acquainted with real angels, having passed away this morning at the all-too-early age of 62 after a lengthy struggle with cancer.

Men of a certain age will remember, with a sort of wistful nostalgia, the iconic image of Ms. Fawcett shown above. It was a hot-selling poster Back In The Day, the mid-1970’s answer to Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, and the immortal Brigitte Bardot. The red one-piece swimsuit - not overly revealing - encourages the viewer to use the imagination, and the pose showcases Fawcett’s slender shape impressively. But the “sizzle” all comes from that Texas-sized cascade of hair and that big, bright smile. (OK, the perky nips don’t hurt.)

Unlike Monroe and Mansfield, Farrah Fawcett survived past her mid-thirties, long enough for the blush of youth to have worn off her. As she matured physically, so did her acting ability, garnering her a nominations for six Golden Globes and three Emmys.

For many of us, Farrah Fawcett will be forever young, that poster-girl image having been seared into our minds at an impressionable age. But it is a sad reality that youth doesn’t last... and neither does life. It’s a sobering matter to think about, and today’s events force us to confront it.

Brigitte Bardot is still walking the planet, though. She turns 75 this year. Où sont les sex-kittens d’antan?

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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

SORRY, MR. SIMON

I got a Nikon camera
I love to take a photograph
So mama don’t take my Kodachrome away


- Paul Simon, “Kodachrome”

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, Paul, but Mama Eastman is, indeed, going to be taking your Kodachrome away.

The Big Yellow Box from Rochester, New York - Eastman Kodak - announced this past Monday that manufacture of the venerable color film will be discontinued after the final batch - now in production - is completed. At current usage rates, that means Kodachrome will belong to the ages well before year-end.

Before the era of digital photography arrived and ate the guts out of the traditional emulsion-based photographic film business, Kodachrome - the oldest and longest-lived line of color reversal film - established the benchmark for high-quality slide photography. Transparencies (a more technical term for slides) have a much higher dynamic range than color prints, and Kodachrome offered, as well, very low grain, high sharpness, and accurate color reproduction. It was favored by professionals, especially those shooting images intended for print.

Unlike other color reversal films like Kodak’s Ektachrome and Fuji’s Velvia, Kodachrome does not contain color couplers in the film itself; they are added during processing. What this means is that processing Kodachrome is a gold-plated bitch, using extremely complex chemistry and a lengthy, multiple-step process well beyond the capabilities of your local photofinisher. Kodak could do it, as well as a handful of independent labs, but not the guy in the back room at the corner drugstore. [For many years, Kodak processing was included in the film’s price, but a 1954 court ruling and the resulting consent decree put an end to that practice. Tie-in sales are prohibited by the Clayton Antitrust Act of 1914.]

The beginning of the end for Kodachrome was in 1990, when Fujifilm (the Big Green Box) introduced Velvia, a transparency film offering better color reproduction, even finer grain, and higher speed. Even better, Velvia could be processed by any modestly-equipped lab using E-6 (Ektachrome) chemistry. Photographers deserted Kodachrome in droves... and then along came the Digital Revolution, slamming an electronic stake through the heart of the traditional film business. Polaroid imploded; Kodak began to delaminate.

With Kodachrome now accounting for only one percent of Kodak’s rapidly declining film sales, the handwriting was on the wall. The 74-year-old film would have to go.

I have hundreds - nay, thousands - of color transparencies tucked away in the bowels of Chez Elisson. A goodly proportion of them were shot on one kind of Kodachrome or another: the fine-grained Kodachrome 25, the crisp, contrasty Kodachrome 64. They represent a vanishing technology, much as the Mistress’s collection of shellac 78 RPM phonograph records represents a technology that has since been displaced by digital audio in all its varied forms.

Kodachrome now joins daguerreotypy, wet-plate negatives, and tintypes in the dusty Land of Obsolescence. I will miss it...

...but whenever I pick up my Nikon camera (I love to take a photograph), I don’t miss it all that much. Digital provides high quality, instant satisfaction, instant results, and low cost per image. I’ll remember Kodachrome with nostalgia, but no longing.

[Tip o’ th’ Elisson fedora to the Other Elisson, who provided the link to the WSJ article.]

Update: Looks like Dax Montana beat me to it. His post is here.

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BLACK GOLD

Black Raspberries
Black raspberries. Look kinda like truffles, don’t they?

Yesterday, as She Who Must Be Obeyed and I wandered the aisle’s of Harry’s Farmers Market (now owned by Whole Paycheck Foods), we struck gold. Black gold.

No, not Crude Oil. I’m familiar enough with that crap, owing to a 32-plus year career in the petrochemical industry at the Great Corporate Salt Mine.

I’m talking about black raspberries.

We see plenty of red raspberries here, and once in a while - especially at Fancy-Pants Fresh Market - you can snag some golden raspberries. I love ’em both, but golden raspberries taste pretty much like their red brethren despite their exotic appearance.

Black raspberries, though - they’re a Whole ’Nother Thing.

You might expect these bad boys to taste pretty good: like the bastard son of a red raspberry and a blackberry... but you’d be wrong. They’re even better. Black raspberries have a subtle, delicate flavor that is somehow a little... mysterious. Intoxicating. You could even call it sexy.

I took a handful of those black raspberries and threw them in a bowl with some blueberries and cut-up peaches and apricots. It was a perfect Summer Fruit Medley... and all it needed was a handful of Grape-Nuts to convert it into a complete meal. Breakfast for lunch - what’s not to love?

Summer Fruit Medley
A summer fruit medley: Apricots, peaches, black raspberries, and blueberries.

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THE QUEEN

Hakuna

I’m Hakuna, Queen of all I survey.
If I don’t like you, stay out of my way.
Despite all my bitching
I enjoy a good skritching
And sometimes, I might even play.


Hakuna is adjusting to life without Neighbor. In the idealized everyone-holding-hands-around-the-campfire-and-singing-Kumbaya world, I might even believe she misses the ol’ Midnight Marauder... but no. I think she’s happier than the proverbial Porcine in Excrement.

Update: The Friday Ark is afloat, with Hakuna in pole position. [Now, there’s a mixed metaphor for you.] Catch Edition #249 at the Modulator.

And for yet more Catness, swing on over to When Cats Attack! Sunday evening for the 276th installment of Carnival of the Cats.

Update 2: CotC #276 is up.

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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

WE’RE NUMBER TWO

They sat hunched over the dark mahogany table, each with an empty glass in his hand. Robin poured out the single malt, giving everyone a liberal tot.

Ed Norton cocked an eyebrow and grinned. “You sure it’s OK for Tonto to be drinking this stuff?”

“Fuck you, Ed,” retorted the weathered Native American. “I can hold my firewater, thank you very much. Right, Bernardo?”

Bernardo, silent as always, simply shrugged his shoulders.

Dr. Watson spoke up. “I’d like to propose a toast...

“...to the latest member of the Immortal Sidekicks and Second Bananas League: Ed McMahon.”

They all rose, holding their glasses. “Hear, hear!”

“We’re Number Two!” Their voices seemed loud in that small room, almost loud enough to be heard on the Chicago streets below.

“I just weesh ‘Number Two’ didn’t also mean ‘shit,’” said Sancho Panza to himself.

* * * * *

Ed McMahon, Johnny Carson’s inseparable TeeVee Companion, passed away early today at the age of 86. Ave atque vale, Ed – we hardly knew ye.

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SIGN OF THE TIMES

So the Missus and I were at the Red Cross blood donation center yesterday afternoon, having arrived there with the intention of giving platelets. As it turned out, I could not do so: I had taken my usual dose of enteric-coated aspirin that morning, and aspirin is, apparently, a no-no within 48 hours of undergoing apheresis.

Since the Missus was going to be having some (minor) blood work done on the morrow, she decided to put off her platelet donation until the end of the week, when we could do it together. But in the meantime, I gave my usual pint of whole blood.

Before you donate blood, you are asked a lengthy battery of questions intended to establish whether your blood products might involve certain risk factors. F’r instance, it’s pretty safe to assume that if you have ever paid to have anal sex with a Somalian circus midget - whether or not said midget is HIV-positive - you will not be donating blood any time soon.

We’ve been donating blood for years, and we’ve heard all the questions before. But this time, there was a new one:

“Have you been male all your life?”

The version SWMBO got was more on the lines of, “Is your gender the one you were born with?”

First time I’ve ever been asked whether I’m a transsexual. And I’m curious. What medical risk factors affect people who have undergone gender reassignment, if any, and are they relevant to the safety of the blood supply?

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TODAY’S PITH AND VINEGAR

It’s practically inevitable.

Jack Nicklaus - the Golden Bear - has held most of the Big Golf Laurels these last many years, including an unmatched total of six (!) wins at the Masters.

But the day will come - how far in the future is anybody’s guess - when Tiger Woods will manage to eclipse Nicklaus’s record. And I can just picture the headlines when it finally happens...

“Woods Shits on Bear”

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