Wednesday, February 08, 2006


I dragged myself out of bed this morning and stumbled into the bathroom to perform the Morning Ablutions.

It’s a simple ritual, really, and it’s pretty much the same whether I’m home or, as today, in a hotel room somewhere.

Pee. Wash hands. Brush teeth. Floss. Shower. Shave (in the shower). Step out, dry off, finish up the rough edges with the razor. Brush hair. A few dabs of hydrocortisone cream on the old phiz. Swipe the pits with the Antiperspirant Gel Stick, that I not become stinky. A drop or two of Bausch & Lomb Eyeball De-Gooking Medication, depending on the Blear Quotient. The rules are:

Eyes look like two pissholes in the snow: One drop each.

Eyes look like two baseballs of lean bacon: Two drops each.

But today I also threw in a Nasal Hair Inspection.

One of the curses of getting older is that your Bodily Hair Map starts undergoing some continental drift. The hairline starts sliding north. Strange new islands start appearing in random areas of the back. Tufts of hair threaten to sprout from ears...and Nasal Hair begins growing with a kudzu-like ferocity.

The Ear-Hair thing is something I’ve blessedly managed to avoid. She Who Must Be Obeyed would run screaming out of the house if I started growing hair there. And believe me, I understand. I recall having a science teacher, back in early middle school, who had Ear-Hair so startlingly dense that one could weave it into suspension bridge cables; but even that paled next to the Marketing Manager at the Great Corporate Salt Mine who had hairy earlobes. Earlobes!

Gawd save us.

Back to the Nasal Hair.

One must not permit hair to grow in one’s nostrils with length and density sufficient to extend therefrom. Hairs form a natural gathering place for Cliff-Hangers (AKA Boogers), but even by themselves they are...unseemly.

Clip or Tweeze?

Being on Travel Status, I had not brought any scissors with me, lest I incur a Cavity Search at Hartsfield. Nor had I brought that mostly useless bullet-shaped Nasal Hair Trimming Device. Nope – it was tweezing or nothing.

Friends, let me tell you that nothing will focus the mind more effectively than a Nasal Hair Tweezing Session. Every single yank will make the eyes water in pain. Them bad boys is Deep-Rooted, and the nasal septum is a most delicate Follicular Seedbed.

But now the task is over, and I am fit to face the world! Now, pardon me whilst I go and scream.

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