Tuesday, July 04, 2006


As our happy group of vacationers was strolling through Destin Commons yesterday evening, we walked past a Sinister Manufactory that never fails to make my skin crawl with horror: the Build-A-Bear Workshop.

I hate that fucking place.

I was never big on Teddy Bears in my earliest Snot-Nose Days anyway. My two favorite toys, immortalized in old photographs, were a vinyl giraffe and a vinyl frog. So much for “Warm and Fuzzy.”

But there is something ineluctably vile about the Build-A-Bear Workshop. Think of it as an unholy marriage between Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory and an abbatoir…with a little Walt Disney thrown in. In a manner reminiscent of a 1950’s automobile dealership, the customer is steered away from the Stripped-Down Models and strongly encouraged to spring for the Optional Equipment – all of which is available at a Nominal Additional Charge. It is a building filled with a thousand catchpenny engines.

It occurred to me that here we have an excellent Business Model that has been turned to a nefarious purpose…but I propose to set things to rights with my new business venture:

The Build-A-Dildo Workshop.

The Discerning Patron would be able to enter the Build-A-Dildo Workshop and Shtupperware Emporium (“All Comers Welcome”) and select from a variety of basic models. Size would cover the gamut from the William “Not Too Well” Hung – which uses AAA batteries – to the John Holmes “Baby’s Arm With An Apple In Its Fist,” to the Godzilla model, powered by a standard 12-volt car battery.

You could choose from a selection of Surface Textures: Smooth, Extra-Veiny, Eight-Grit Garnet Paper, Steel Wool, Ribbed, Knobbly, and French Freedom Tickler.

Deluxe models would incorporate a timer, allowing patrons to simulate their normal Sexual Experience – assuming that said patrons have any normal sexual experience. You could set the timer to any duration, from fifteen seconds (“Unfulfilled Housewife”) to two hours (“Grinding Away Like Goats In a Henry Miller Novel”).

As with the Build-A-Bear, the Build-A-Dildo would offer electronic voiceboxes, upon which the patron could record several titillating messages to be played at random. “Suffer, bitch!” “On your knees, peasant!” “Will you marry me?”

An all-chocolate model would be offered in the Confectionery section: the ever-popular “Willy Wanka.”

Our motto: “Satisfaction Guaranteed.”

Write for a free prospectus!

[Tip o’ th’ Elisson fedora to the rest of the Sandestin Pervert Mafia for their invaluable contributions to this post.]

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