Monday, July 17, 2006


During the weeks leading up to our Beach Vacation, it’s our normal practice to acquire a few Essential Supplies. Many of these Supplies are Adult Beverage-Related.

This year, the Missus was concerned that she might have a difficult time consuming sufficient protein, given that she was (and still is) unable to chew anything following her orthognathic mandibular extension surgery. As it turns out, it was not as bad as it could have been. Fish, hacked up into little tiny bits, can be eaten without chewing, and so She Who Must Be Obeyed did not have to go to Plan B, which was to add soy protein powder to the Frozen Beverages that she planned to enjoy in vast moderate quantities.

In the course of Essential Drinky Supply Acquisition, SWMBO happened upon a new product at the local Publix: Lt. Blender’s frozen drink mixes. The idea behind these attractively packaged products is simple: you add water and a suitable alcohol base to a powdered mix that comes in a plastic bag with a pouring spout and screw top. You shake the whole mess up thoroughly and stick it in the freezer for six hours, and presto! Frozen Boozy Drinks without the bother of using a blender. Just open the screw cap and squeeze the frosty beverage into your glass. It looked like a great idea, so SWMBO picked up a couple of bags: Mojito and Piña Colada.

Yes, it looked like a great idea, but, as they say, there’s many a slip ’twixt the cup and the lip. The problem is, once you froze the bag, it got as hard as concrete. No problem: a few moments under hot running water, and the mixture softened up nicely.

The problem came in the Squeezing Out Operation.

It’s not as easy as it would appear. First, the stuff is pretty difficult to squeeze out of that bag, even after you soften it up. Second, it’s cold as a bastard. Because it contains alcohol, its freezing point is nice and low. Getting it out of that damn bag was a little like trying to strangle a block of dry ice. I finally hit upon the idea of using oven mitts in order to avoid giving myself a case of Beach-Frostbite.

After all that work, was the drink good? Meh.

My advice? If you want a frozen drink, get out the blender and do it right, keeping well away from Lt. Blender and others of his kind.

“Lieutenant,” like many words in our language, has its roots in Norman French. The Anglo-Saxon version of “Lieutenant” is “Placeholder.” But this particular Lieutenant is not going to be holding a place in our bar.

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