REQUIEM FOR A TAR

Cockeye the Sailor.

Cockeye the Sailor is dead at the age of 78, according to an announcement released today by the King Features Home for Superannuated Seamen.

A finding of the official cause of death is expected to be released shortly by the Thimble Theatre Office of the Coroner and 5¢ Hamburger Stand. J. Wellington Wimpy, spokesman for the Coroner’s office, indicated that he “would gladly inform [the public] Tuesday of the results of their investigation into the unfortunate circumstances that came to light today.”

Cockeye, the lesser-known younger brother of Popeye, lived a quiet life in his celebrated sibling’s shadow. He rarely appeared envious or resentful of Popeye, saying, “I yam what I yam; he be what he be.” In recent years, however, a degree of tension between the Eye brothers became evident when, at Alice the Goon’s 75th birthday party, Popeye said, “Well, blow me down!” and Cockeye responded, “Well, blow me!”

Cockeye is survived by his brother Popeye, his sister-in-law Olive Eye, and his adopted nephew Swee’Pea. He was predeceased by his long-time Life Partner [and his brother’s frequent nemesis], Blewto Schwartz, who passed away of an AIDS-related illness in 1998.

The family plans a private Viking-style funeral during which Cockeye’s remains will be set adrift in a Boston Whaler and ignited, using Chatham Artillery Punch (of which Mr. Eye was inordinately fond) as an accelerant.