IT’S GOOD TO BE A JEW

Judaism does not claim to possess the exclusive Pathway to Salvation, and as such does not actively proselytize. Righteous people of all faiths, it is said, have a portion in the World to Come...whatever that turns out to be.

Having said that, I can say that there are pluses and minuses about being a Jew which might cause some people to look at it seriously as a belief system.

Let’s take the negatives first:

Con

• That circumcision thing.
  
• Bacon guilt.
  
• Mercedes guilt.
  
• Just plain guilt.
  
• No Christmas.
  
• No Jesus.
  
• Praying in an incomprehensible language that nobody understands. (All y’all Catholics who remember the Latin Mass can relate to this one.)
  
• Tougher getting into certain country clubs and sororities.
  
• Gefilte fish.

On the positive side of the ledger:

Pro

• Tradition!
  
• Matzoh brei.
  
• Pastrami and half-sour pickles.
  
• No Jesus.
  
• The Ten Commandments? Ours, baby.
  
• Being able to say “Mel Gibson is an asshole” and really meaning it.
  
• Controlling the media and the banks. (Just kidding!)
  
• Getting to have a shot of Bowmore single-malt during Saturday morning services.

That last one might even win Eric over. And yes, that’s what I had at the regular session of our Kiddush Club this morning. Bracing!

You Baptists don’t know what you’re missing.