Wednesday, August 01, 2007


What with all the unfavorable attention focused on Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick due to his indictment for activities related to running a dogfighting business, I think we need to step back and look at these alleged activities with a critical eye.

Even relatively enlightened humans see no problem with Humanfighting. Whether it’s the continuation of politics by other means - the famous definition of war as stated by Clausewitz - or two guys in a ring knocking the crap out of one another, people like to fight. They must, for despite their protestations, they seem to do it an awful lot. And a goodly chunk of the world’s economic activity is centered around building more and better tools to assist in the process.

But when it comes to using the beasts of the field as proxies for our bloodlust, many people begin to get a bit squeamish. I’m not sure what bothers me more about “sports” like dogfighting, cockfighting, or bearbaiting - their inherent cruelty, or the fact that in deploring them, I’m actually on the same side of the issue with PETA. Feh.

I believe it’s evil to make animals fight each other for our amusement. I’m almost willing to give bullfighting an exception, since the matador risks his life in a human versus animal contest - unfairly weighted toward the human, of course. But cockfighting, dogfighting, and bearbaiting (this last an old English favorite) all take advantage of whatever aggressive impulses these animals may have (often exacerbated through brutal training regimens) to provide panem et circenses for the intellectually challenged. The animals have no choice in the matter, and losers are treated badly, if the allegations in the Vick indictment are any indication of what is normal practice in the “industry.”

At least professional wrestlers and football players receive a salary...and they are, in theory, capable of making a voluntary decision to participate in their particular bloodsports.

But there’s a way to make dogfighting softer and gentler...and a whole lot more fun.

Take a pack of chihuahuas.

Shave ’em...unless you can find them hairless chihuahuas, in which case, no need to bother. Can’t find chihuahuas? A buttload of ferrets will work just as well. Maybe better.

Throw ’em into a big tank filled with vanilla pudding. Or Jell-O. (Chocolate pudding is verboten, as it’s toxic to dogs.)

Do something to get ’em all pissed off at one another: Throw Michael Vick in with ’em! Butt nekkid! Then stand back and watch what happens.

I’ll be the first to sign up for Pay-Per-View.

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