Friday, August 25, 2006


Homunculus Man

Today’s squib from the Department of You Can’t Make This Shit Up comes to us courtesy of the estimable Velociman, who has an uncanny ability to sniff out Gem-Like Stories.

Maybe this is what comes from drinking the spectacularly nasty water from the River Ganges, but it seems like whenever there’s a Bizarre Medical Case, it comes from that same Subcontinent that gave us Lamb Vindaloo, Rogan Josh, Bollywood, and the most toxic farts on the planet.

I speak, of course, of India, where a 36-year-old man has been found to be harboring, neatly nestled in a humongous bloated tumor, his Unborn Twin Brother.

It’s a medically rare event, they say, with only ninety cases in the literature. [Said literature excluding most popular supermarket tabloids, which might have bumped the numbers up considerably.] And that’s probably a good thing, because the idea of screaming hordes of grown men walking around with Brotherly Fetoid Guys inside them totally skeeves me out.

Think on it, Esteemed Readers. Here you are, a happy little blastocyst, comfortably ensconced in a warm womb, your twin brother floating in the amnion beside you. And then suddenly, Twin Bro becomes an overzealous zygote, engulfing your embryonic ass like an amoeba gone haywire. Gaah! Now you get to spend the next 36 years in a bizarre limbo, as neither Fetus nor Man!

And meanwhile, the twin brother who has enwombed you in a tumoresque matrix walks the planet with a grotesque pendulous belly, looking like a pregnant Brood-Mare...which, in a bizarre and unexpected way, he is.

Given a choice between having two fully functional Johnsons [known as Patels in India, BTW] and having an Internal Homunculus, I’d happily choose the former. Rogering conjoined twins on Pay-per-View might bring a few meagre coppers into the till, whereas nobody is going to pay to see Tumor-Boy. Unless...

We need to take up a collection and get this sumbitch a berth in Gibtown. Perhaps we can even set up his defunct, malformed Itchy Brother with his own Kiddie Show. Something that falls in the twilight zone between Pee Wee’s Playhouse, Captain Kangaroo, and Swamp Breath Theatre: Uncle Homunculus and his Placental Playhouse.


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