DIAGNOSIS

Here’s a story from my good friend (and occasional commenter) Moishepipik:

It seems that a young man was afflicted with a sore arm, and so he went off to the local pharmacy in search of relief. But the pharmacist, rather than directing him to the usual Aisles o’ Worthless Over-the-Counter Nostrums, showed him an impressively large, shiny new machine.

“It’s an Automatic Urinalysis Diagnostic Machine,” the pharmacist said, proudly. “Put a 200 cc urine sample in this container and, for a mere $10, it will diagnose your health issues and recommend the appropriate therapy.”

“Amazing!” said the young man. “I’ll try it.”

He repaired to the restroom with a sample container, returning within minutes with a fresh, warm sample. Following the directions printed on the front of the machine, he put the sample container in the receiving slot, swiped his ATM card, and punched in his PIN. The machine began to whirr and click.

Ten minutes later, a printout appeared in the machine’s output hopper. The young man picked it up and read:

“You have a case of medial epicondylitis, popularly known as Tennis Elbow. Take two 250 mg naproxen tablets every four hours and refrain from exercising the elbow for the next seven days.”

“Wow, that’s unbelievable!” thought the young man. And then, being a man of a perverse and skeptical nature, he decided to give the machine a more severe test.

He went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his 14-year-old daughter, mixing them together in the sample container. And then, just for shits and grins, he decided to jack off a shot and add it to the container as well. “That machine’ll blow a gasket,” he thought to himself, grinning wickedly.

Back at the pharmacy, the young man once again put the sample container in the receiving slot, swiped his ATM card, and punched in his PIN. And, once again, the machine began to whirr and click.

Ten minutes later, the printout appeared in the machine’s output hopper. The young man picked it up and read:

“Your wife has gonorrhea.

“Your daughter is pregnant.

“And if you don’t stop jacking off, you’ll never get rid of that Tennis Elbow.”