Tuesday, August 01, 2006


Or, the Wit and Wisdom of the Mistress of Sarcasm.

As we – She Who Must Be Obeyed, the Mistress of Sarcasm, and I – drove around this morning, we were reminiscing about one of our Big-Time Trips to Texas in late December 2004. We had stopped overnight in Jackson, Mississippi, and decided to grab dinner at a nearby Crapper Cracker Barrel.

We had just sat down at our table when, moments later, a pixie-like waitress wearing a red elf hat appeared to take our orders. And, early on in the proceedings, she asked a bizarre question:

“Are y’all Christmas people or Chanukah people?”

What the fuck?!!? So out of context was the question, so completely flummoxing, that I answered it honestly. “We’re Chanukah people, darlin’.”

What was I thinking?

This was the heart of Missi-fucking-sippi! We were likely to be getting Meatloaf with Secret Loogie Sauce! Why, oh why, did I not think of a Snappy Answer?

Like, “Yeah, we killed yer Jeezus – and if he comes back, we’re gonna kill him again – all that shit he made us go through…” But then again, no.

Or, “Naw – we’re Ramadan people.” Yeah. That’d be like asking for Cyanide Mashed Potatoes.

No. What I should have said was, “Miss, I do not discuss religion or politics with people I do not know.”

And that is when the Mistress of Sarcasm reached up into the clouds and pulled out a line that could have come from the lips of the late Mitch Hedberg, his ownself:

“Miss, I do not discuss politics or religion over Breakfast All Day™.”

SWMBO and I burst out laughing. Ahh, the Mistress, always coming up with these little gems. Gems such as:

“SSDD – same shit, different diaper.”

“J. Christopher’s – the waspiest WASP nest in the world.” [N.B. - J. Christopher’s is a breakfast place, a sort of Cultural Opposite Number to the Local Bagel and Smoked Fish Emporium. The Minyan Boyz eat there on Wednesdays.]

And that was just this morning. I tell ya, the kid needs to start her own blog.

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