Sunday, October 23, 2005


…comes around, saith the Wise Ones. In the Bloggy-Sphere, what goes around is usually some sort of Viral Meme.

Memes are to Personal Weblogs as chain letters are to e-mail, but sometimes they offer up a rich opportunity to generate Blogpost Fodder at the expense of a certain amount of self-respect.

I can’t get too snotty about memes, thanks to The Meme That Will Live In Infamy. And so I will get off my High Horse long enough to deal with this one, thoughtfully prepared for me by that most beautimus Jawja Blodger-Lady wit’ da Red Pimp Hat, Key Monroe. Furthermore, since others have responded already and have shit on anticipated some of my Quality Thinking, I will adopt a more serious tone than I would otherwise have done. So:

What were three of the stupidest things you have done in your life?

In a life packed with Stoopid Shit, sorting out a mere three things worthy of especial note is no cakewalk. Let’s give it a try.

Back in my Early Adolescence, I was, like many a Nerdly Person, engaged in the fine intellectual pursuit of Model Rocketry. One time, some friends and I were putting together a launch ignition switch, a simple affair consisting of not much more than a flexible strip of metal that was bolted down to one of the contacts and that could be held down to touch the other contact, completing the circuit. Building it was not stupid; testing it with live household AC current was. The jolt that shot up my arm when I touched that bare metal strip was unforgettable.

The Infamous Applejack Episode – documented here in a previous post – illustrates what happens when you take a Gilbert Chemistry Set level of knowledge and apply it to an issue that requires College-Level Separation Processes knowledge.

Drinking the equivalent of seven airline-size bottles of Scotch on a forty-five minute flight from Houston to Dallas, then trying to get back through the security screening station by crawling through the X-ray machine. True story…not like the stuff Velociman made up about Godzilla’s cock. [It was Rodan’s cock, and V-Man damn well knows it.]

At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?

Why, that one’s easy. She Who Must Be Obeyed, with whom I have shared my life for damn near half the time I have walked the planet, who has given me two wonderful children, and for whom the need desire to provide a Suitably Cushy Lifestyle will help keep my nose pressed firmly against some sort of grindstone for many years to come. She laughs at my Stupid Crap, calls “bullshit” on me when I so merit, and shares the Ol’ Fart-Sack with me on cold winter nights (and most every other night, as well). Why should she not influence me mightily?

If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to only select up to five people with whom to dine, who would you pick?
  1. Moses – assuming the language barrier were surmountable, I’m sure he would be fascinated to know that his people were still around, some 3,500 years after he led them out of Egyptian servitude. I would have plenty of questions for him, too, including “would a cheeseburger be OK to eat, since it’s not made of goat?”

  2. Jesus – mainly to find out whether he really believes he was the Anointed One – and to see what he really thinks about the notion that billions of people believe he is a Close Relative of The Big Guy. I suspect he would be horrified. Plus, I would take plenty of pictures. You think a piece of the True Cross, or a swatch off’n the Shroud of Turin is valuable? Wait’ll you see the Polaroid of Yesh and me sitting side by side at our dining room table! The eBay folks’ll crap their pants!

  3. Mark Twain – I want to hear how he likes being called “the late 19th century’s Velociman.”

  4. Adolf Hitler – so I can give him a shot of schnapps and then stick a boning knife into his black fucking heart and twist it.

  5. John F. Kennedy – I want to know whether Marilyn was all dat – and whether he thinks his brother Teddy is a bloated, evil load. Naw, on second thought, Abe Lincoln – ’cause I really want to know whether he was having a good time at the play or if he just went to keep his nutball wife out of his grille.
If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?

The premise for this question is interesting. If you are in a situation where you can have three wishes granted, that is prima facie supernatural. But let’s not be a spoilsport, shall we?
  1. A heap of money is an obvious first choice. To wish for more Filthy Lucre than that possessed by Bill Gates or the Sultan of Brunei might require supernatural intervention, so let’s just assume that my $350 mil Powerball ticket pans out. I don’t need a Flashy Lifestyle, but it would be sweet to simply call up the Offices of the Great Corporate Salt Mine and tell them I don’t plan to be coming in to the orifice…ever again. Tell me you wouldn’t do the same, ya lying bastid.

  2. Without health, money Don’t Mean Shit. So: good health.

  3. That my friends and family be around to share these blessings with me for a long time.
If there were four or five wishes, I could throw in “Whirled Peas” or “Toilet with Heated, Fur-Lined Seat, Magazine Rack, Pillowed Headrest, Shiatsu Massager, and Built-In Minibar and Microwave.” Alas.

Name two things you regret your city not having, and two things people should avoid.

Regret not having: Zabar’s. Culver’s Frozen Custard and Butterburgers.

People should avoid: Driving on any freeway between 6:00 – 10:00 am and 3:00 – 7:00 pm. Walking around downtown after dark in your St. Andrew’s Cross Underoos.

Name one thing that has changed your life.

Becoming a father. There have been plenty of Life-Changing Experiences in my fifty-three years, but having children – through the fine offices of She Who Must Be Obeyed, it goes without saying – has been a Profoundly Impactful Event in so many ways. What else will teach you how much love you can have for another human? How ignorant you can be…or how wise? How deeply your actions can affect others? How your decisions can make the world a bit sweeter – or more bitter? How much pain and fear you can feel – or how much joy?

Whack five other people with this Memely Happy-Stick.

Oy, it always comes down to this, doesn’t it? OK, here ’tis, the List o’ Victims Happy Participants:
  • TeaFizz - the Gentle Soul who introduced the Viral Replication Element to the infamous Punchbowl Meme.
  • Cowtown Pattie.
  • Verbatim. If anyone could be called my Blogmother, it might very well be Karen. It’s payback time.
  • Moogie.
  • Shoe, who foolishly revealed that she is willing to participate in this Memely Nonsense. Boo-yah!

No comments: