THE LACQUER LIQUOR LOCKER

Now once upon a time the King of Astrakhan, at that,
Was sitting on his throne because his throne was where he sat;
And comfortably beside him, and magnificently stocked,
Was a lacquer liquor locker which a liquor lackey locked.

- David McCord, from “The Lacquer Liquor Locker”

What’s in your Liquor Locker?

While hunting for a bottle of Kahlùa the other day, a shot from which was intended to jazz up my Iced Coffee, I realized that my Booze Box was full of a great many things, some of which I have had sitting in there for over thirty years. (Fortunately, spirits don’t deteriorate over time.)

And then I thought to my self, “Self, since you are sometimes so pressed for Blog-Fodder that you will publish an inventory of the crap that sits upon your Night-Stand, why not an inventory of your Liquor Cabinet?”

Why not, indeed.

And thus, here follows a list of the contents of my Lacquer Liquor Locker. No wine, Esteemed Readers, for we store our Wine separately from our Booze like civilized human beings. Likewise, no Beer, for Beer (like Revenge) is best served cold and is therefore not stored with the Distilled Spirits.

• Rémy Martin VSOP Cognac. I loves me some Cognac every so often....just may kill the rest of this bottle tonight.
• Mandarine Napoleon. I’ve had this crap for 25 years now and there is little likelihood I will finish it soon. Nice looking bottle, though.
• Caribe Crème de Vanille. Sitting in the back of the cabinet for 30 years now.
• Kahlùa. A good all-purpose coffee liqueur.
• Drambuie. One of the all-time great liqueurs, this one is based on Scotch whisky and honey.
• Irish Mist. The Emerald Isle version of Drambuie.
• B&B (Benedictine and Brandy). Another classic.
• Chartreuse. Yet another classic, the creation of the Carthusian monks of France and the only liqueur after which a color was named. I have the green version, which is 115 proof.
• Ron Metusalem. Haiti’s finest rum.
• Ole Nassau Coconut Rum. Despite the name, has nothing to do with Princeton. Essential for the Bahama Mama.
• Jameson Irish whisky.
• The Macallan 12-year-old single malt Scotch whisky.
• The Macallan Cask Strength single malt Scotch whisky.
• Laphroaig 10-year-old single malt Scotch whisky.
• Johnnie Walker Black Label Scotch whisky.
• Stolichnaya vodka. I keep this one in the freezer.
• Stolichnaya Rasberi vodka.
• Kremlyovskaya chocolate vodka. For Chocolate Babkatinis.
• Tanqueray London dry gin.
• Wild Turkey Rye Whiskey, 101 proof. Essential for the Sazerac cocktail.
• Wild Turkey Bourbon, 101 proof.
• Knob Creek Bourbon.
• Grand Marnier.
• Cherry Marnier.
• Cointreau.
• Lazzaroni Amaretto di Saronno.
• Peter Heering liqueur. AKA Cherry Heering, or what the old guys used to call “Cherry Herring.”
• Liqueur Chambord. A sweet raspberry flavored liqueur - useful as an additive for Mike’s Hard Lemonade, margaritas, etc.
• Chicoutai cloudberry liqueur. Souvenir of a trip to Québec a few years ago.
• Southern Comfort. Yeah, I have a pint bottle of Southern Comfort, which we needed for a sweet potato - peanut butter pie SWMBO made a few years ago. SC brings back so many memories, it having been the Beverage of Choice for my earliest forays into the World of Alcohol. Feh.
• Mao Tai. One little flask of this evil Chinee intoxicant, which I’ve had for at least ten years and have no plans to crack open. Maybe at the next blogmeet...
• Fernet Branca. A bitter Italian digestif, great after a bloat-inducing meal.
• Averna. Another Italian amaro, this one less bitter than Fernet Branca.
• Campari. Yet another bitter Italian liqueur, this one is great with soda or tonic, or as an ingredient in the evil Negroni.
• Jägermeister. It’s bitter, it’s sweet, it’s herbaceous.
• Underberg. Sold in tiny little bottles, this stuff is the German answer to Fernet Branca. It’s bitter. Fuck, it’s bitter. [That’s why they call it bitters, schmuck.]
• Kirschwasser. This is a bottle I brought back 15 years ago from Zug, Switzerland, home of some of the world’s finest Kirschwasser.
• Jose Cuervo Gold Tequila. Nothing fancy, but it makes a workmanlike Margarita.
• Calvados Boulard. Froggy applejack.
• Metaxa Ouzo. For when you need to get your Greek freak on.
• Absente. Latter-day absinthe, without the wormwood of the original but no less pernicious.
• Herbsaint. Another variation on the absinthe model, this one indispensable for the Sazerac cocktail.
• Pastis 51. Similar to Pernod, pastis is another one of those anise-flavored alcohols and a second cousin to absinthe. A gift from Elder Daughter, who brought it back from Europe.
• Goldschlager. A cinnamon-flavored liqueur with flakes of real gold leaf. Drink it today; go panning for gold nuggets tomorrow.
• Old Krupnik honey liqueur. No, I didn’t make the name up. Seventeen years old and counting; obviously one of my favorites.
• Slivovitz. Croatian plum brandy bearing a flavor profile similar to that of Ronsonol lighter fluid...but it’s kosher for Passover so we keep it around.
• Sabra. Israeli orange-chocolate liqueur, also useful mainly at Passover but tasty all year long.
• Crème de Cassis. For making the occasional Kir.
• Triple Sec. For making Margaritas.
• Peppermint schnapps. For disguising your breath after having consumed all of the other shit.

There’s a reasonable turnover for some of these goodies, but as you can see, some of this stuff has a half-life at Chez Elisson that compares with that of Atomic Bomb Residue. And yet...and yet, I hesitate to throw any of it out, because, as they say, there’s a Story Behind Every Bottle. Sometimes more than one story.

Going back to the question with which I opened this post, what’s in your Liquor Locker? I’m not slapping anyone with any tags...but this is the kind of Semi-Nosey Personal Inquiry that seems to propagate itself so well in the Bloggy-Sphere. So: have at it!