TEAM PLAYER

A recent post by Acidman got me to thinking about High School Athletics:

I played as an “Indian,” a “Brave” and a “Warrior” during my football days. I have some injun blood in me, so I can claim some ethnic heritage, but I never gave a shit about that back then. My teams had fierce, fighting nicknames and I liked them. I never even THOUGHT about those mascots as being “Inappropriate.” Your team was supposed to sound formidable.

A couple of thoughts. First of all, I agree with Rob - the whole point of team names is to emphasize the ferocity factor. “Devils,” “Spartans,” “Warriors,” - hell, the “Mongol Hordes” would be a good team name, except somebody would get bent out of shape about whether it was politically correct.

“Vandals” would also be good - those guys really knew how to fight - but that word has taken too literal a meaning, and it’s not something I would want to encourage a high school kid to be. And “Suicide Bombers” - well, let’s just not go there, OK?

There’s a team in Texas called the Lewisburg “Fighting Farmers.” Now, that’s a team name to make you quake in your boots. What are they gonna do, throw manure on you? Stick you with a pitchfork?

My high school team was the “Bisons.” Yeah, like on the back of the old nickel. Ooooh, look at the scary bisons! Ooooh, they’re gonna stampede us to death!

Like I contributed, right? Mr. Team Player, that’s me. My sole athletic achievements in high school consisted of a stint warming the bench in Varsity Tennis. And I lettered...in J-V Bowling.

Big fucking athlete I was.

Oh, I had my moments of glory, such as they were. Our “It’s Academic” team was on TV three times - we even won once! - but that’s one activity that pegs the scale on the Nerd-O-Meter. And it ain’t really...athletic, is it?

Back to Acidman:

I wouldn’t want to play for a team called “The Unflushable Turds,” which may be a formidable problem, but it’s not exactly what inspires young men to go out and play their best.

Well, now, here Rob and I part company. Back in the day, I was the world champion generator of Unflushable Turds, so I could have made quite a name for myself. No, wait - that’s just the team name, not the sport itself.

Anyone’s team need a bowler who can crap real big?