Friday, January 25, 2008


The Missus had a jones for Chinese food this evening, so I popped over to the local take-out joint and ordered up a few items. While waiting for the food, I wandered over to the adjacent Stein-Mart to pick up a couple of pairs of socks. Sock replenishment is important, because the inventory in the ol’ Sock Drawer tends to diminish with time as socks get sucked into the Gateway to Another Dimension that lurks in the back of the dryer. Perhaps that is where Sock-Monkeys are born...but I digress.

While in the Stein-Mart, I saw a product that struck me as being one of the most colossally useless devices ever to be invented, built, mass-produced, and offered up to an increasingly stupid populace.

It was - get this! - a Watch Winder, for winding self-winding watches.

A watch winder for winding self-winding watches.

Great Googly-Moogly. Is that not gob-smackingly, astonishingly useless-sounding? Useless to a degree that, by comparison, makes Boar-Tits a requirement for everyday living?

How lazy a bastard must you be, that you must have a special device that will wind your watch for you...a watch that requires nothing but to be worn on the wrist for thirty minutes a day, and, failing that, needs only a few gentle twists of the stem?

I didn’t even look at the price; I was too thunderstruck at the very existence of this Fine Product. But a quick Internet search reveals that these babies can easily cost upwards of a couple Benjamins. Luxury models go for thousands.

Send me the money and I’ll wind your fucking watch for you, ya lazy twat.

It’s reassuring to know that the human mind - the mind that has learned to split the atom, to send men to the Moon and back again, to build mighty bridges and skyscrapers, to transplant hearts and lungs - can create such marvels.

I guess it’s time I turned my hand to inventing. At least as much as the world needs a Self-Winding Watch Winder, it needs a device to splatter urine on the floor of the Men’s Room. I have a few ideas.

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