Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
- Jack Handy
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
- Frank Sinatra
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
- Henny Youngman
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”
- Stephen Wright
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
- Benjamin Franklin
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of the television show Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff (John Ratzenberger) was expounding the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm (George Wendt). Here’s how it went:
“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
I knew it all along!
[Tip o’ th’ Elisson fedora to Tax-Man Dennis.]