Thursday, January 27, 2005


The latest trend in Hollywood plastic surgery has nothing to do with chin tucks or Botox. It’s a little more...fundament-al.

Celebrities are flocking to doctors practicing the latest and most innovative subspecialty: plastic gastroenterology. With a few snips and stitches, they can get their sphincters reshaped, allowing them to crap “designer turds.”

Credited with originating this new procedure is Dr. Richard Thomas Braun, of Sloan-Kettering Memorial Hospital in Garden City, New York.

“It’s remarkable how quickly this has all caught on,” Braun said in a recent interview. “The procedure originated as an unintentional side effect of a particularly serious hemorrhoidectomy, but when the patient noticed that the surgery had an apparent, er, ah...aesthetic effect on his stools, well, the rest was history.

“We now have the capability to allow people to create all kinds of profiles. Stars, hollow tubes, rectangular prisms, turdblossoms...the possibilities are almost limitless.

“Why, just the other day, we had a well-known director come in to have a ‘triangle job.’”

The procedure is performed on an outpatient basis and typically costs $5000-8000. Most insurance companies do not cover the procedure at this point, although discussions are underway. Despite the cost, several thousand people have had the “tushie tuck” performed in recent weeks, to the point where the waiting list at Cedars of Lebanon Hospital in LA is over a month long. And there seems to be no end (you should excuse the expression) in sight. One well-placed Tinseltown source commented, “Plain old cable? How boooorrring.”

Britney Spears and Ashlee Simpson are rumored to have undergone the increasingly popular surgery. An anonymous source reported that Spears had had “one of those six-sided stars done...a Mogen Doody, she called it.” (Spears’s publicist refused to comment on the rumor.)

No comments: