SPACED MISSION

The story was on everyone’s lips at Post-Minyan Breakfast today: the Tale of the Murderous Jilted Astronette. Even The Reclusive ThunderMan has come out of semi-retirement to post about it.

You’ve probably heard most of the story by now. How Lisa Nowak drove almost 1000 miles nonstop, intending to confront Colleen Shipman, the woman who had stolen the heart of her lover William “Billy-O” Oefelein...the man for whom she had ditched her husband and three children.

Confront her she did, schpritzing her with pepper spray when Shipman got into her car, which had been parked at the Orlando International Airport. But Nowak may have had other plans as well, as evidenced by a few other knick-knacks she brought along with her: an unused BB-gun cartridge, a new steel mallet, knife, rubber tubing and large garbage bags.

Sounds like Chris Walken getting ready to deal with a pack of midgets. Putting the “Whack” in “Nowak.”

But here’s the beauty thing:

Police said Nowak, believing Shipman was romantically involved with Oefelein, had driven 900 miles [sic] from Houston - wearing diapers in the car so she would not have to make bathroom stops - to confront Shipman as she arrived in Orlando on a flight from Houston. [Emphasis mine.]

I can only imagine the scene as Nowak approached Shipman in the airport parking lot, pepper spray at the ready. Lissen!

Squish. Squish. Squish. Squish. Pssssshhht.

[“How long does it take to drive from Houston to Orlando?” “Depends.”]

Of course, merely wearing a diaper will not save you that much time. But this is where an Astronaut has big advantages over the rest of us. I’m sure that whenever her gas gauge needle started hovering near that E, she would simply pull up alongside a gasoline tanker truck to do one of those In-Flight Refueling Maneuvers, just like they do in Jet Fighter Training School...all the while cruising at 75 MPH down Interstate 10. “Gimme 15 gallons of regular unleaded...to go!”

I agree with Mr. Montana: This woman does not deserve to go to jail. Here you have a highly trained veteran of the spaceways, one who has displayed passion, fortitude, and the ability to plan and (partially) execute a mission. Rubber tubing! Garbage bags! Trenchcoat ’n’ Wig! Why, she’s a regular frickin’ MacGyver!

Naw. No jail time for Ms. Lisa “Wak-O” Nowak. She oughta be put on the Mars mission...and not just because she has nice Barsooms. Da lady gots Initiative!