What the fuck were the marketing execs at Coca Cola thinking when somebody pitched them the idea for Coke Blak?
“Hey, hey, hey! I got a great idea! ‘Coke effervescence with coffee essence’! We’ll make a jacked-up cola beverage - hell, we can just throw some coffee in there! It’ll be like Red Bull on speed!”
“Sure, Jerry. Now put down the crack pipe, pick up your BlackBerry, and stop trying to hump the potted plant over there in the corner.”
What is the target market for this shit, anyway? Coffeehouse beatniks? People who wish they could hang out at Starbucks all night but the night porter kicks them out at 2:00 am? Kids looking for something they can make Jägermeister shooters with? Was this a vast, untapped market demand waiting to be satisfied? I cannot help but wonder.
I’ve tried Coke Blak. I had to satisfy my own curiosity as to what would make a Coke-Coffee Combo so appealing, so irresistible, that I would pay $2 for a dinky-ass bottle of the crap. And, guess what?
The stuff sucks. It blows goats, OK?
Listen up, Coke-heads. Yeah, you over there, in the Marketing Development veal pen.
Coca Cola is a great American beverage. You can throw in a little lemon. You can throw in a little lime, fer cryin’ out loud. If you want to add vanilla or cherry flavors, go right ahead - soda jerks have been doctoring up the Basic Formula that way for years.
But venture farther afield at your peril.
For if this keeps up, it is only a matter of time before we see this on the Stoopid-Market shelves:
New Coke Yelo. Coke effervescence with Chicken Soup essence!