BE PREPARED

Another Yom Kippur gone, marched off into history.

A full day of breast-beating public confessionals. A twenty-seven hour fast. Sounds like a Great Big Pain in the Ass, but it’s an exalting experience.

Yesterday evening, She Who Must Be Obeyed and I snarfed down a light pre-fast meal. Years of experience have taught us that it’s best to eat modestly before fasting; stuffing oneself with a big, heavy meal will only ensure an evening of discomfort, followed by the Morning of the Ravenous Belly-Pang.

In my case, dinner consisted of a mâche salad with a dab of bleu cheese dressing, a few random chunks of Brie cheese, a bowl of cereal (Weetabix and Swiss muesli), and some fruit compote...all washed down with lashings of Ocean Spray Wildberry Diet Juice & Tea.

If you’ve never tried Weetabix, by the way, let me save you the trouble. It’s a biscuit-shaped affair, much like the classic full-size Shredded Wheat, but that’s where the resemblance ends. Shredded Wheat is like Organic Brillo - you know when you eat it, you are going to be Scouring the Old Colon. Weetabix, on the other hand, turns into drywall spackling compound as soon as it hits milk. Guess which one is American and which one is British? [Hint: Which nationality considers “mushy peas” to be a Legitimate Foodstuff?]

About halfway through the bowl of cereal, I realized that the Deadly Combination of Weetabix and muesli had absorbed every available molecule of milk, and yet the mess still had the gritty consistency of kitty litter.

Wildberry Juice & Tea to the rescue. I simply splashed on enough Juice & Tea to render the cereal suitably moist...the consistency of Wet Shredded Newspapers. Tasty, that.

And thus I armed myself for a foodless day, a day of Religious Contemplation. I figured the cheese would counteract any tendency of the cereal and Reconstituted Dried Fruit to cause Nasty Digestive Surprises, and I was right. Even better: no excessive hunger pangs, not even as the day wound to a close.

Preparation: the key to success!