Wednesday, September 24, 2008


You’ve seen this one before, I’m sure, floating around the ’Sphere like a gassy turd in the Porcelain Punchbowl. I have seen it in any number of places, most recently here at Pammy’s crib. But what the hell: I’ll play.
  1. My uncle once: appeared - as himself- in a Sabrina the Teenage Witch comic book.

  2. Never in my life: have I known the singular pleasure of eating a balut.

  3. When I was five: I remember with crystalline clarity waking up on the morning of my fifth birthday. It was, coincidentally, the day the Russians launched Sputnik.

  4. High school was: mainly lengthy periods of utter boredom broken by occasional moments of sheer terror. Or stupidity.

  5. I will never forget: ol’ What’s His Name.

  6. Once I met: Kitty Carlisle Hart...who, by strange coincidence, actually knew my Dad (Eli, hizzownself) and had had dinner with him and Missus Eli in Paris (as related here).

  7. There’s this girl I know: who can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. No, I don’t really know her. But I remember her.

  8. Once, at a bar: I drank a Whisky Drink. Shocking!

  9. By noon, I’m usually: ready to start working.

  10. Last night: I attended a wine tasting (the September Guild Event) and gulped down samples of thirteen different wines. All but one were produced from the Zinfandel grape, and all but one were superb.

  11. If only I had: a time machine.

  12. Next time I go to church: won’t be any time soon, unless you count the Jew-Church.

  13. What worries me most: is the relentless march of time.

  14. When I turn my head left I see: a photograph of SWMBO and her family in front of our first house in Houston. It’s an 11 x 14" enlargement made from a 4 x 5" Ektachrome transparency taken with a hand-held Speed Graphic, circa 1978. That was the house we would later sell to Houston Steve, in a cosmically unlikely coincidence described here.

  15. When I turn my head right I see: the daybed in our computer room, and a small table piled with CD’s and blank discs.

  16. You know I’m lying when: my mouth is moving I raise my eyebrows ever so slightly. Which is why I can’t lie to SWMBO.

  17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: my mother and my father-in-law, neither of whom made it into the Nineties.

  18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: Puck...for the double-entendre possibilities.

  19. By this time next year: I'll be another year older.

  20. A better name for me would be: Frunobulax, Lord of the Galaxy...except that sounds too much like a medicament to loosen the bowels.

  21. I have a hard time understanding: people who talk with their mouths full of marbles. Demosthenes, this means you!

  22. If I ever go back to school: Shoot me.

  23. You know I like you if: I spend more than two minutes conversing with you.

  24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: the person handing me the award.

  25. Take my advice: Don’t ever stick your dick in the pickle slicer.

  26. My ideal breakfast is: sushi at the Tsukiji Fish Market in Tokyo. Failing that, smoked fish and bagels at the Local Bagel and Smoked Fish Emporium. Whitefish, baked salmon, Nova Scotia smoked salmon, belly lox, sable, pickled herring...

  27. A song I love but do not have is: “Shine On Brightly” by Procol Harum. Wait: I have that one. And pretty much all the other songs I love.

  28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: make a pilgrimage to the ancestral home of the Baldwin brothers. Prepare to be unimpressed.

  29. Why won’t people: realize that if I were king, the world would be a better place? For me, anyway.

  30. If you spend a night at my house: you won’t starve or lack for Adult Beverages.

  31. I’d stop my wedding so: I could savor the moment. It was a blast.

  32. The world could do without: Ahmadinejad, militant Islam, and people who take themselves way too seriously.

  33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lick the bellies of two cockroaches. WTF kind of a question is this?

  34. My favorite blonde(s) is/are: What is this “blonde” of which you speak?

  35. Paper clips are more useful than: tits on a boar. In fact, pretty much anything is more useful than tits on a boar. Remember that.

  36. If I do anything well it’s: quite by accident.

  37. I can’t help but: think that there are better ways to spend half an hour besides writing this tripe.

  38. I usually cry: when I drop an anvil on my foot. Wait - that was the Mistress of Sarcasm who did that. To her foot. Last week.

  39. My advice to my child/nephew/niece: If at work you’d avoid / Creating a stink / Then don’t dip your pen / In the company ink.

  40. And by the way: Should you feel the urge to create your own version of this little Useless Memely Item, don’t blame me. Links, however, are always welcome.

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