Sunday, March 04, 2007


When the history of the early 21st century is writ, one of the technological advances that will Loom Large, in retrospect, is TiVo.

The integrated digital video recording system that enables one to watch “live” television as if it were on DVD and that allows one to quickly and easily select programs for recording is already revolutionizing the way Americans watch television. It’s already been genericized: People use the word TiVo as a verb (much to the chagrin of the people who own the patents to the TiVo brand of digital video recorders.)

No longer must one clamp one’s lips to the Glass Teat and suck away uncontrolled. Now, it’s a simple matter to record your favorite shows and watch them - even while they are still in progress - with the ability to fast-forward through commercials, to watch scenes in slow-motion and freeze-frame, and to replay scenes at will.

If you are one of the poor damned souls who must watch American Idol, TiVo is indispensable. With it, a bloated two-hour Video Morass becomes a clean, quick, content-filled hour and twenty minutes.

What’s the Next Big Thing gonna be?

Forget the video iPod. Forget the iPhone. Those are

Naw. The next Big Thing is going to be LiVo™.

LiVo LogoTiVo, applied to Life.

The Linden Labs folks are already two-thirds of the way there.

In a few years, a beta version will be available. It’ll be an object the approximate size and shape of a hand grenade, coupled with a handy remote control.

The hand grenade-shaped object - the Main Control Deck - is designed to be inserted into the Sigmoid Colon. That’s right: You shove it way up your ass.

Then you use the remote control to stop, fast-forward, or replay your life.

Ate an excellent meal? Had some really great sex? Replay it to your heart’s content. In slow motion, you can even figure out what you were doing right.

Make that honeymoon last forever.

Was that an unpleasant annual review with the Corner-Office Guy? Fuck’m. Hit the fast-forward, and you won’t remember a thing.

People will be lined up to try it. It’ll be to life what TiVo is to television.

LiVo. You heard it here first.

No comments: