Monday, November 28, 2005


Dear Mr. Debonair,

Is it ever appropriate for an adult to use a straw?

(signed) Curious Cyclist

Dear Curious,

Nowadays, the popularity of crack and freebase has eclipsed that of old-fashioned Happy Powder, so it is less common that the use of a Tubular Suction Device is required. And in those rare cases when a straw may be useful, it lends much more tone to the proceedings if you use a rolled-up C-note rather than that cheesy Flex-Straw that comes in the stupid-ass box with the picture of Bozo the Clown on it.

What? You were referring to drinking straws? Er, (ahem)... I see. Hrmph.

Straws may be used for imbibing liquid refreshments under certain limited circumstances. A useful guideline is, if the beverage is one that you are able to purchase without identification, you are good to go. Drinking adult beverages such as Dirty Martinis or Rusty Trombones Nails with a straw is risky: in the case of the Martini, the olive may cause unpleasant clogs.

On the other hand, if you prefer that marvelous Cocktail named after the former U.S. Ambassador to Ghana, a straw is most appropriate, as demonstrated here by this fine gentleman:

Shirley Temple

Do exercise caution, should you decide to sample it, for it is addictive to a legendary degree. As it is said, “Once you go Shirley Temple Black, you never go back.”

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