Monday, November 03, 2008


We’ve all seen those e-mails...the ones that trot out every tired old ultrapatriotic cliché (many of which we all agree with to some degree) in a crude attempt to whip up a certain Fervent Chauvinism.

I don’t pay attention to this sort of stuff...internet e-mails are the bane of our existence, in my not-so-humble opinion...but last week Houston Steve got one from a mutual friend and, being relatively articulate, decided to do a little fisking.

As you read the e-mail below (with Houston Steve’s interpolated responsum highlighted in italics), keep in mind that Steve leans toward the blue side of the aisle. His comments, however, make a whole lot of sense regardless of what your political leanings may be.



I Am the Liberal-Progressives’ Worst Nightmare. I am an American.

Why would that make you my nightmare?

I am a Master Mason and believe in God.

Good for you. We need hard working people in this country who have ethical precepts to live by. And no one can outsource what you do to Michigan, let alone to another country.

I ride Harley Davidson Motorcycles and believe in American products.

Buy American is obviously quite the thing to do. Remember when Wal-Mart used to pride itself on saying its products were “Made In The USA”? Guess that one went by the wayside, huh?

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some Liberal governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

While I tend to agree with you, you are a citizen of this country, and there are certain functions of the government that have to be paid for. Or would you rather subscribe to a fire service and police department, and if you fail to pay your bill on time they just won’t come?

I’m in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!

Good for you.

I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

I can’t think of a single reason to take away your guns. But I do think it’s a good idea to use them in a careful, thoughtful manner. I was so sad to hear about the 8-year-old who blew his own head off at a gun show this past weekend when his father (a physician, no less) allowed him to shoot an Uzi in full automatic. Apparently the little kid was not strong enough to control a 9mm weapon in full automatic. Who would have thought that could happen?

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it!

True that. But at the same time, if I have to get over it, perhaps you might get over it, too. Do you get nervous when a black man is standing on a street corner when you are stopped at a light? Do you lock your doors, when you would never do the same thing if it were a white guy? We all have our fears, and we all have to do better about living with them.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.

Amen to that! By the way, have you ever not been able to buy a Big Mac because the counter person couldn’t talk to you?

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

So you are O.K. if the Muslim laying bricks next to you stops work 5 times a day to pray?

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and Willie G Davidson that makes the Awesome Harley Davidson Motorcycles.

I’m glad to know you have heroes, some of whom were good Christians and others who were womanizing, wife cheating drunks. Diversity is a great thing.

I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.

So the gospels don’t teach you a thing about reaching out and supporting the poor?

I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time watching or arguing about it.

It’s fake? Say it ain’t so!!

I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already.

O.K., but will you quit griping about taking away the Confederate flag? You never were a citizen of the CSA.

I believe if you don’t like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country! This is AMERICA...We like it the way it is!

Actually, America is an experiment that’s constantly changing. If you don’t like change, why don’t you go to Saudi Arabia? They’re still living in the Middle Ages.

If you were born here and don’t like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.

And that’s why, if Obama is elected President, you probably won’t hear about Jesse very much any more. The politics of victimhood and militancy will have been finally put in their rightful place - the garbage heap.

Can I get an AMEN on that one?


I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you’re breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

No argument here. What if there’s a broken tail light and the same cop wouldn’t pull over a white guy, though? Does that bother you at all?

And, no, I don’t mind having my face shown on my driver’s license.

Couldn’t agree more.

I think it’s good...And I’m proud that ‘God’ is written on my money.

Does it bother you to know that I don’t care one way or the other if His name is on my money? [President Theodore Roosevelt, for one, felt that it was disrespectful to put God’s name on money, so I guess there’s a diversity of opinion on that one. – Elisson]

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I believe the president of the United States should put his hand over his heart and say the pledge of alegance (sic) and should have no reservations about wearing American flag pins on his lapel.

Well, I think if you can’t identify where all 50 states are on a map, or if you can’t tell me where Iraq and Iran and Pakistan are, you shouldn’t be voting, but guess what? Our Constitution doesn’t set that kind of a test, so we’re both out of luck. And while I don’t much care about flag lapel pins, you’re certainly entitled to your opinion. By the way, I served in the US Navy and my son was in the Peace Corps representing what was best about America in two ex-Soviet countries - what branch of service were you in, or in the alternative, what have you given back to this country you love so much?

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making ‘donations’ to their cause. Get a Job and do your part!

I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I believe ‘illegal’ is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.

I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA!

So let me get this straight - the firemen who collect donations for the Muscular Dystrophy Association around Labor Day should give it up. And the Marines should quit with the Toys for Tots drives, right? And when you were a kid, your neighbors never kept you on the straight and narrow when your parents weren’t looking, right? And if you ever get picked up by the cops for something you didn’t do, you wouldn’t get a lawyer to protect your interests, right? Because the cops are never wrong. And if you think the American flag is the only one that counts, what the hell is the next picture [one of several in the original e-mail] supposed to be?

Sparkly Flag

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American.

If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.

We want our country back!

No, you’re not a Bad American. You’re just an American. Just like every other American who loves this country, but doesn’t see things exactly the way you do. If you’d quit bellyaching yourself for five minutes and listen to what is really being said, you’d find out that the people you fear the most agree with you on more issues than they disagree.



Sleep well my friend; my nephew, who is an Apache gunship pilot, is currently on active duty in the US Army. He won’t be voting for your candidate, but he will look out for you. It’s his job, his responsibility, and his honor. Just as it was his father’s honor to do so in Viet Nam, and it was my honor to do so in a peacetime Navy.


Now, next time you get one of those e-mails, you just might be able to bring a few new perspectives to what are intended to be rhetorical questions.

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