MONEY, HONEY

Washington, D.C., May 9, 2007 - Effectively admitting that the combination of recent tax cuts, rising energy prices, ballooning real estate costs, and galloping military spending have rendered the U.S. Dollar worthless, the Bureau of Engraving and Printing today announced yet another design for the ten-dollar Federal Reserve Note. This newest design removes most of the costly anti-counterfeiting technology that had been introduced in the Series 1999 and Series 2003 notes. Ricardo Cabeza, a spokesman for the Bureau, explained the rationale during a Wednesday morning press conference:

“I mean, really, what’s the point? Our money has gotten to the point where you can practically wipe your ass with it. So we’ve added special features that will make it easier and more pleasant to do so.

“Thanks to a special arrangement between the Bureau of Engraving and Printing and Procter and Gamble, the new bills will be made of a special paper blend that contains the traditional red and blue fibers seen in today’s banknotes...but which is, at the same time, squeezably soft. It will be far less irritating to the Delicate Rosebud than older bills.

“In addition, since our money is pretty much worthless, we are removing the familiar portraits of Dead Presidents and replacing them with pictures of Worthless Americans.”

The new Series 2007 Federal Reserve Notes will be released beginning June 1.

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