DAMN NEAR KILLED ’IM

There’s a medical condition
That’s a huge, gold-plated Bitch,
And that is the condition
Known as Painful Rectal Itch.

What’s that horrible sensation
In your Inter-Buttock Niche?
Could it be the dreaded onslaught
Of the Painful Rectal Itch?

When your forehead pops a sweat
From the discomfort in your britch-
Es, it’s frequently attributable
To Painful Rectal Itch.

You might try to keep it secret,
But be laid low by a snitch
Who tries and tries to publicize
Your Painful Rectal Itch.

It afflicts the Low of Income,
It affects the Filthy Rich.
Class and wealth, they will not save you
From your Painful Rectal Itch.

Butcher, baker, candle-maker,
And the Digger of the Ditch:
Occupation’s no protection
From that Painful Rectal Itch.

It can strike the mighty warlock,
And the broomstick-riding witch.
But there is no magic remedy
For Painful Rectal Itch.

If a busty Opera Singer
Seems to lose her perfect pitch,
Look closely. Is she scratching
At her Painful Rectal Itch?

In public, it’s most impolite
To just reach down and skritch.
But if you do, wash afterwards!
Feh! Painful Rectal Itch!

Take that Anesthetic Ointment.
Stick it up there; give a squish
For respite brief. O sweet relief,
From Painful Rectal Itch!