Sunday, January 04, 2009

A FIELD GUIDE... Moronus Americanus.

If you wish to become acquainted with Moronus Americanus in all its revolting variety, spend some time on the highways. We did, on our way back home from our two-day visit to Franklin, Tennessee. It was disturbing.

The Shit-Headed Tailgater is a common sight, easily identified by its habit of following the vehicle in front by a single car 75 MPH...on a slick, drizzle-moistened highway, in the fog. The more aggressive representatives of this species may also be dragging a U-Haul trailer. Closely related to the Multi-Lane Weaver.

Also providing a degree of Road Annoyance is the Excessively Sociable Eighteen-Wheeler, who pulls out into the left lane because he believes he is traveling marginally faster than the eighteen-wheeler in front of him. The result is an exercise in Slow Passage, in which the two trucks will travel alongside one another for miles, as though enjoying a Trucky Kaffeeklatsch, neither one being especially interested in overtaking the other. Meanwhile, the road is blocked up like an octogenarian cheese-eater’s colon.

You may spot Text-Message Tessie easily enough. She’s the one weaving all over the highway as she tries to pick out messages to her huge mailing list of BFF’s, eyes focused on her telephone’s minuscule keypad instead of on the cars barreling down the road on either side of her.

Decisive Dickhead deserves a nod. He’s the guy tootling along in the left lane for miles, who suddenly Makes A get off at the exit that is coming up in the next thirty feet. The resulting attempt to cross all lanes of the highway with no advance preparation, and in no time flat, is amusing...but only when seen from a distance. Up close, it’s scary enough to cause a major case of Anal Pucker...the kind that will have you pulling five pounds of stuffing out of the car seat when you get up.

What kinds of Moronus Americanus have you seen lately?

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