SONG OF THE SIMIAN

[Sung to the tune of “Chim Chim Cheree”]

Chimp chiminey
Chimp chiminey
Chimp chimpanzee!
A chimp is as lucky
As lucky can be

Chimp chiminey
Chimp chiminey
Chimp chimpanzoo!
He’ll pick up a turd and
He’ll throw it at you
Yes, you’d better duck
Or you’ll get hit by poo

Now as the Song of the Primate’s
Been sung
You may wonder why chimps
Like to lob us their dung

There’s an explanation
That is honest and true:
Pan troglodytes
Ain’t much different from you

We humans, with all of those
Brains in our head -
We don’t throw our shit
We lob missiles instead

Ensuring that millions
Don’t see light of day
But the chimp is not cursed
With the same DNA
His weapon’s a turd
Not a poison-gas spray

Yes, he’ll crimp off a length
Pick it up in his hand
Chuck it at your head
If it hits, he feels grand

Though he’s covered with hair
From his head to his toes
He knows where his shit is
Wherever he goes

Chimp chiminey
Chimp chiminey
Chimp chimpanzee!
A chimp’s as evolved
As you and as me

A few nucleotides
Cleave our species in twain
And we naked apes
With our extra-large brain
Might do well to listen to
These Monkey-Words:
Get rid of your bullets
Replace ’em with turds!


[Photo credit: Christian Yared, Montreal]