Sunday, February 19, 2006


- “If your nose runs and your feet’re built upside-down.”

I’ve mentioned my podiatrist friend Harris before, the one who examined my feet and diagnosed my condition as “Monkey-Shit Feet.” Seriously.

Harris lives up in Connecticut, where he divides his time between several office locations. Many of the patients at one of his offices are elderly people, and some of the stories he tells of them are...interesting, to say the least.

One woman came in with what appeared to be a huge purple bruise on the ball of one of her feet. Walking was painful, and she wanted to know what her problem was.

Harris examined her feet and was able to offer a quick diagnosis.

“You have a blueberry.”

“You mean I have a bunion that looks like a blueberry? Is that a medical term?”

“You have a blueberry.”

“What do you mean, a blueberry?

“You have a blueberry stuck to your foot. You need to do a better job of washing your feet.”

Another patient, an elderly gentleman, came in with feet that were covered with horrible inflamed sores. The gentleman had read somewhere that because the human body does not metabolize water-soluble vitamins completely, urine is chock-full of excess vitamins and thus is an excellent antiseptic. He had been soaking his feet in his own piss for the past several weeks...and yet, for some strange reason, his feet were getting worse every day.

Harris’s recommendation: “Stop soaking your feet in urine. Immediately.”

Is it any wonder I trust this man with the health of my Monkey-Shit Feet?

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