This post by Jay reminded me of just how horrible my own feet are. So horrible, in fact, that my friend Harris once examined them and announced that I was suffering from “Monkey-Shit Feet.”
Now, Harris is a real, honest-to-Gawd podiatrist, but I never have been able to find “Monkey-Shit Feet” in the Merck Manual. However, there are plenty of nasty conditions that do affect the feet, and I am sure that you are burning with curiosity about them. After all, most of us have feet, whether they are prehensile (like Jay’s) or reprehensible (like mine). And so, with that introduction, Blog D’Elisson is pleased to present, as a public service,
The Podiatrist’s Primer
(composed with the kind assistance of Dr. Harris Kleinkopf)
A
is for Abscess,
A pus-filled infection.
When your feet choose diseases,
Hope this ain’t their selection.
B
is for Bunions,
A painful condition.
On my worst enemies
I wouldn't wish ’em.
C
is for Corn,
First cousin to the Bunion.
In terms of size,
Just like a pearl onion.
D
is for Digits,
Most know them as Toes.
If they gets Frostbite,
Then, WHACK! off they goes.
E
is for Eczema,
Unpleasant and itchy.
You’re liable to get it
Whether you’re poor or rich-y.
F
is for Flatfoot,
A.K.A. fallen arches.
Diet can’t cure it,
Neither proteins nor starches.
G
is for Gout,
Once a rich man’s disease.
It now affects Yuppies
Who drink wine and eat cheese.
H
is for Hammertoes.
They’re quite often seen
In two basic varieties:
The Claw and Ball-Peen.
I
is for Ichthyosis,
That scaly fish skin.
Bad enough on the feet,
Even worse on the chin.
J
is for Joints,
Which between Metatarsals
And Phalanges as well,
Help you walk with your parcels.
K
is for Keratoma,
Most call it a callus.
I knew a man had one
As big as his phallus.
L
is for Lacerations,
Bloody slices and cuts.
They’re no good on our feet,
Or our arms, legs, and butts.
M
is for Metatarsalgia,
Sore, tired feet.
A frequent result
Of long walks in the street.
N
is for Neuropathy,
Which is really no fun.
It’s something to blame
When your tootsies get numb.
O
is for Onychomycosis,
Cause of many sad tales.
It’s a long-winded word for
Them ol’ Fungal Nails.
P
is for Porokeratosis,
When skin pores get clogged.
Try to unplug them,
And you’ll sweat like a hog.
Q
is for Quinous gait,
“Horse walking,” it’s said.
You run ’round on your tiptoes
Just like Mr. Ed.
R
is for Reynaud’s,
A syndrome in which
Your toes turn bright red
And they hurt like a bitch.
S
is for Sprain,
A commonplace ill.
Well, common it may be,
But boy, does it kill!
T
is for Tinea pedis,
A persistent fungus.
Going barefoot in locker rooms
Spreads it among us.
U
is for Ulcer,
Also called “weeping sore.”
Don’t stand on it too long,
Or it sticks to the floor.
V
is for Varicosities,
Disgusting blue veins.
They’re just plain unattractive,
And they sometimes cause pains.
W
is for Warts, plantar
Caused by a virus.
If our feet have lots of ’em,
Who’ll come and admire us?
X
is for Xeroderma,
A form of dry skin.
Slap some baby oil on it
And rub it right in.
Y
is for Yeast,
Source of bread crusts for pizza.
But just make damn sure
It don’t grow on your feet-sa.
Z
is for Zorro,
That swordsman so fleet.
How could he run so fast?
He took care of his feet!
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