Friday, December 02, 2005


John Wesley Gaines!
John Wesley Gaines!
Thou monumental mass of brains!
Come in, John Wesley
For it rains.
- Anonymous
Last night, She Who Must Be Obeyed and I were settling in to the old Fart-Sack. As is her custom, the tube was on, tuned to one of the 50 billion syndicated reruns of “Friends.”

How these Friends ever managed to survive in New York is beyond me...because their stupidity is boundless. Sure, of all the characters, Phoebe and Joey were portrayed as the ditsy ones - but they all were, in their own ways, remarkably boneheaded.

Let me give you a f’rinstance.

Ross and Rachel wake up in a Las Vegas hotel room after what apparently is a night of Heavy Alcohol Consumption. They are in bed together: it will later turn out that, in their Drunken Stupor, they got married. And they are asking each other, in horror, whether “anything happened.”

Let’s be charitable and assume that they were so out of it that neither of them has any conscious memory of the evening before. Maybe instead of drinking Cosmos, or whatever the hell these people drink, they were mainlining Versed. [That shit will gap out a slice of your memory, clean as a scalpel, and you will have no clue about what went down while you were under its influence.]

But, as SWMBO pointedly observed, you don’t have to be a detective to know whether you Did the Deed.

All you need is a set of functioning nostrils and a sense of touch.

Clue Number One: The Wet Spot. If any Hancis-Pancis happened, there will be a Wet Spot. Or, if enough time has elapsed, a Crusty Spot. It’s kinda hard to miss.

Clue Number Two: Bed Funk. There will, if any actual Foofky-Moofky took place, be a pronounced aroma under the covers. It’s a difficult to describe, yet completely unmistakable, Fuck-Pong that is reminiscent of a beach at low tide the Fulton Fish Market a freshly chlorinated swimming pool.

Clue Number Three: Pud Funk. Even if, in his alcoholic or narcotic stupor, Ross was unable to Consummate the Relationship, there will be a distinctive trace of Poonani-Aroma on his Package if any attempts were made at all.

Clue Number Four: Strange Dental Floss. Any short, curly hairs found jammed between the teeth are prima facie evidence that something went on...even if it was not the Deed Itself.

Absent any of the above-noted Clues, and Ross and Rachel can feel reasonably confident that nothing happened. Unless, of course, they screwed each other standing on the coffee table and then took showers...difficult to pull off when you’re three sheets to the wind.

So: just how stupid must you be to ask the question in the first place?

“Friends” - attractive and young they may be, but bright, they’re not. As I am wont to say, the wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

[Update: Just to avoid any possible misunderstanding, let me assure my Esteemed Readers that The Sexual Aromas to which I refer in this post have nothing whatsoever to do with my own personal experience. I am using a bit of Poetic License to describe the (imagined) Post-Coital Foetor of two drunken television characters, with no attempt to cast aspersions upon any Actual, Living Human Beings.]

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