THIS ONE’S FOR YOU, JAY

The Zero Boss has decided to go with a new banner that features Copulating Waterfowl, thereby reminding me of this old shaggy-dog story:

It seems a young man - the only son of a desperately poor woman, and not the sharpest knife in the drawer - was sent to town on a Critical Family Mission: In order to raise cash to meet the month’s rent, he had to go to the Town Fair and sell off the household’s last remaining livestock. Said livestock consisted of one mallard duck that had seen better days.

The young man set off on foot for the town, a lengthy trek, carrying the mallard under his arm. As he entered the outskirts of the town, he passed through an Unsavory Neighborhood and stopped a young damsel to ask for directions. The young damsel, engaged as she was in the World’s Oldest Profession, convinced the young man that he should go with her forthwith and have his ashes hauled. And this, Esteemed Readers, he proceeded to do, being a Naive but Randy Young Man. The fee? Since our hero had no coin, the Painted Woman accepted the mallard in lieu of cash.

But our hero had done his Manly Labors exceptionally well, and his ladyfriend offered to entertain him a second time. So pleased was she with his amorous skills (no doubt honed to a fine polish on the family farm’s ovine and bovine mammals) that she even returned his mallard.

Eventually, remembering his Critical Family Mission, the young man set out once again for the Town Fair, this time armed with directions from his young damsel friend. As he approached the center of town, however, he was so busy gawking at the splendid buildings and elegantly-attired passersby that he nearly was run down by a passing brougham. Narrowly escaping serious injury, he saw to his horror that his precious mallard lay crushed and lifeless on the paving-stones. Immediately he began wailing and sobbing in a manner most piteous...for now his poor mother and he would certainly be evicted from their humble residence!

The young man’s distress, fortunately, did not escape the attention of the brougham’s passenger, a wealthy gentleman. Upon hearing the youth’s tale of woe, the gentleman offered him a ten-dollar indemnity for having killed the mallard. In those days, this was a princely sum, and the young man’s tears gave way to joy.

Upon his return home, our hero’s mother was pleased with the bulging sack of coin. She inquired as to his adventures: How was the fair? and how did you realize such a fine price for our old mallard?

And the young man replied: (wait for it)

“I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and ten bucks for a fucked-up duck.”

[Ba-dump-bump.]