ETHANOL

Several people have written posts recently having to do with that noble intoxicant, C₂H₅OH, also known as ethyl alcohol. Ethanol. Drinkin’ alcohol.

Acidman recently discussed his plans to make something from all of them blackberries he’s been picking – something a little more interesting than blackberries and cream. And that got me to reminiscing about an old story that involved me and my friend Walter, and our completely misguided attempt to make Vermont Applejack.

And that inspired Pawpaw to put up a post about learning to make ’shine from his daddy, in an attempt to preserve Folk Tradition. This was not too far removed in time from my little adventure with Walter and the pressure cooker.

Walter and I, of course, did everything completely wrong, which is why our story reads more like an “I Love Lucy” script than a recipe for real schnapps. But that was 35 years ago, back when I was a stupid-ass high school kid.

I could do a respectable job of it today. Unlike 35 years ago, now I have the benefit of a chemical engineering degree and professional experience designing and operating chemical plant distillation processes. None of which, of course, is as useful as Pawpaw’s hands-on experience making, er, ah…products, with his daddy.

And I have the glassware. Boiler, condenser, thermometer, the works. I even have a Soxhelet extractor, which doesn’t much help if all you want to do is distill a mixture of water and ethanol – but it is one cool–looking piece of glass.

Glass equipment is, of course, not useful if you are serious about making your own supply of (strictly illegal!) potables. It’s too damn small. It’s suitable for lab work, a few ounces at a time. But mainly, it’s neat looking. I have this crap all in boxes in the basement, but I ought to unpack it and put it together just to admire its Technological Beauty.

Yes, I’m a Chemical Engineer. People who know me casually are surprised when they learn that, but it’s true. I was one of a class of twelve chemical engineers (we started with 24 and lost half of ’em between sophomore and junior years) – we called ourselves the Dirty Dozen. Half of us made it to our 25th Class Reunion six years ago...


The Dirty Dozen’s 25th reunion, 1999. [Elisson is 2nd from the right.]

ChE was a brutal major, involving a huge amount of the dreaded Math and Science. Pre-med students dreaded courses like Organic Chemistry; we ate stuff like that for lunch. Fluid mechanics, thermodynamics, differential equations…and Separation Processes.

Ya gotta know separation processes if ya wanna distill something.

One of the things we learned was that water and ethanol form a mixture at 95% ethanol-5% water that has a lower boiling point than pure ethanol. What that means is, when you distill a mixture of ethyl alcohol and water, the strongest alcohol you can get is 95%. If you go to your local Dram Shoppe and get a bottle of Everclear grain alcohol, you’ll see that it is 190 proof – 95% alcohol.

There is a way to get pure, 100% ethanol, but it’s tricky. You take your 95% ethanol and add benzene. Then you distill off the benzene, which carries away the water and some of the ethanol. What’s left in the bottom is pure, 200-proof ethanol. Reagent-grade ethanol.

There’s a reason people don’t make drinking alcohol this way. Benzene is extremely toxic. The few parts per million of benzene left in the ethanol won’t kill you, but it would be a real bad idea to get in the habit of consuming reagent-grade ethanol on a regular basis. Plus, that extra ternary distillation step is costly. There’s no point in removing that last 5% of water – at great expense – when you’re just going to add some form of water to make the stuff drinkable.

One day, one of my Demented Engineering Buddies got into the lab supply lockers and found 16 gallons of reagent-grade ethanol. Good night, Irene! It was time to par-tay!

My friend asked each of us how much we weighed. He then measured out an exact amount – one cc per pound of body mass – and mixed it half-and half with Pepsi. What you had, in effect, was Pepsi with the kick of bonded bourbon – and no taste of alcohol.

I had two of those “Chem E Cocktails,” after which I was seeing double and speaking in tongues. I have no idea how I managed to get back to my room on the other side of campus…but I did. The next day, absolutely no hangover or other ill effects. That shit was pure.

Good stuff, if you could get it. But too much would get you in trouble. One of the guys ended up in police custody after running into the lake, screaming, stark naked, drunk out of his mind. One too many Chem E Cocktails – for the guy that found the 16-gallon stash in the first place.