THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE

Dinner-and-a-movie today with Dr. and Mrs. T. We saw “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow” and followed it up with a visit to Minado for unlimited sushi.

She Who Must Be Obeyed remarked that, earlier today when we were having lunch at Moe’s, we had run into a neighbor who informed us that Moe’s will be expanding their empire to include a salad ’n’ shawarma restaurant (!) called Mr. Green’s. Interesting enough. She also noted that Mama Fu’s Noodle House (another Moe’s-owned restaurant chain) appears to have renamed itself “Mama Fu’s Asian House.” [When I googled Mama Fu’s to drop in the link, I noticed that they’ve renamed the restaurant but haven’t gotten around to renaming the web page, which still says Noodle House.] Her theory – and I think it’s spot-on – is that the name change is yet another manifestation of low-carb diet mania.

We’ve seen this phenomenon before. Remember when Kellogg’s used to sell cereals like Sugar Pops, Sugar Smacks, and Sugar Frosted Flakes? Now it’s Corn Pops, Honey Smacks, and Frosted Flakes of Corn. Sugar has become a dirty word... politically incorrect, at the very least. You’d probably have as much luck selling “Turd Pops” as you would “Sugar Pops” today.

Of course, the changes are in name only. These cereals all have just as much sugar as they used to. It’s all about the name. Marketing.

Thus, “Mama Fu’s Asian House.” Just as many noodles as before, but not quite as obvious. At least they get you in the door before you realize, Hey, there are noodles here, dammit!

At this point our discussion swung around to the impact the low-carb craze is having on one of our local companies: Krispy Kreme. Sales are down and earning targets missed because people would as soon eschew a donut as chew on one. Tragic, innit? One day, the darling of Wall Street, the next day kicked to the curb thanks to that Atkins sonofabitch.

And that’s when I trotted out an old theory of mine. There are two kinds of people in the world: Krispy Kreme people, and Dunkin’ Donuts people. And the differences are as sharply drawn as those between Democrats and Republicans – except we don’t have Ann frickin’ Coulter to deal with on the donut front. No Rush “My Ass Be Fat” Limbaugh of the Fried Dough Brigade. Thank Gawd.

And I, friends, I am a Dunkin’ Donuts kind of guy. I wanted to like KK, I really did. I wanted to be a part of the crowds queuing up for fresh, hot glazed donuts when the light went on. I wanted to support the South, good adopted son of Jawjuh that I am.

But I could not.

Because what I want is a nice, dense, cakey donut. The kind Dunkin’ Donuts makes better than almost anybody. With some really nice DD coffee to wash it down with.

Not for me, KK’s sweet, puffy glazed donuts and mediocre coffee. Yes, I know they make cake donuts too. It’s not pretty. Play to your strengths, say I. KK, stick with the fluffy, raised glazers. They’re fine... if you like that sort of thing. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Give me a good ol’ DD sinker any day. And if I can’t get one from them, and I am grappling unsuccessfully with my donut jones, I will get a box of mixed donuts from Entenmann’s. Nice and cakey. Heavy. Serious. Laden with sugar and grease. Mmmmmm, yeah.

Honey, where are the car keys? Gotta go out for a moment...

Meanwhile, tell me. What kind of person are you? DD, or KK? The fate of the civilized world hangs in the balance.