Saturday, August 25, 2007


Judaism does not claim to possess the exclusive Pathway to Salvation, and as such does not actively proselytize. Righteous people of all faiths, it is said, have a portion in the World to Come...whatever that turns out to be.

Having said that, I can say that there are pluses and minuses about being a Jew which might cause some people to look at it seriously as a belief system.

Let’s take the negatives first:

  • That circumcision thing.
  • Bacon guilt.
  • Mercedes guilt.
  • Just plain guilt.
  • No Christmas.
  • No Jesus.
  • Praying in an incomprehensible language that nobody understands. (All y’all Catholics who remember the Latin Mass can relate to this one.)
  • Tougher getting into certain country clubs and sororities.
  • Gefilte fish.
On the positive side of the ledger:

  • Tradition!
  • Matzoh brei.
  • Pastrami and half-sour pickles.
  • No Jesus.
  • The Ten Commandments? Ours, baby.
  • Being able to say “Mel Gibson is an asshole” and really meaning it.
  • Controlling the media and the banks. (Just kidding!)
  • Getting to have a shot of Bowmore single-malt during Saturday morning services.
That last one might even win Eric over. And yes, that’s what I had at the regular session of our Kiddush Club this morning. Bracing!

You Baptists don’t know what you’re missing.

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