Wednesday, November 17, 2004


Some time back, my brother-in-law Aaron took up residence with us as he went to culinary school. It was a lot of fun watching him learn his way around a sauté pan, and it was a great chance to absorb a lot of good cooking knowledge second-hand. Plus, I inherited some chef-a-licious reference material, not least of which was The New Professional Chef, an invaluable resource for any semi-serious cook.

While watching Aaron struggle though one of his projects, I was inspired to concoct a bogus restaurant menu just for the sake of self-amusement. But the more I think of it, the more it seems that my “restaurant concept” might be just nutty enough to work. Especially after seeing Pete’s post over at APCB on Hardee’s massive, bloat-inducing Monster Thickburger. After all, nothing exceeds like excess these days.

For your delectation and amusement, therefore, I present some of the fine offerings from our menu at...

The No-Nonsense Restaurant


Stuffed Skins.....5.75
“Get stuffed” with these Idaho potato skins, crammed with cheddar cheese, bacon, and green onions - then deep fried!

Buffalo Wings from Hell™.....7.95
The upstate New York classic, with bleu cheese dressing on the side. Asbestos mitts optional...

Consommé de Meat.....cup 4.50, bowl 5.75
Concentrated beef broth, not for sissies

French Onion Soup.....6.25
Onions simmered in a rich, beefy broth, it’s really just an excuse to eat that big hunk of bread and the half-pound of sizzling Gruyere cheese we top it with

Fancy-pants name for cold potato soup. We serve ours steaming hot and float a baked Idaho spud in it. It’s serious!

(you gotta be kidding)

Meaty Entrees
(Served with our Hot, Heapin’ Basket o’ Biscuits™)

New York Strip Sirloin.....24.95, 30.95
This is what you came here for! 16 oz. Regular and 22 oz. He-man cuts available.

Bone-in, 32 oz. Eat it yourself or share with an army.

Triple-thick Lamb Chops.....28.75
With our homemade mint-apple chutney. Baa-a-a-ad, dude!

Rib-Eye.....25.75, 37.75
An 18 oz. slice of heaven! Also available with the bone, a whopping 28 oz. portion. Heart healthy...not!

And did’ja think we’d forget...
Prime Rib.....19.75, 23.75, 67.50
12 oz. Queen, 16 oz. King, and 48 oz. Godzilla™ portions hacked from the heart of our Mighty Steamship Roast


Grilled Tiger Prawns.....24.95
There’s nothing “shrimpy” about these monsters. We’ll serve you up a brace of these huge fellows, skewered, grilled in butter, and flamed in Cognac. Order ’em with the heads on and scare your friends to death.

Maine Lobster.....Market Price
We have an Olympic-sized tank stocked with these brutes, from “dinky” 3-pounders all the way to Mr. Boston, our 45 lb mascot who hides in the back. But we’ll fish him out for you if you’re hungry enough!

(You want chicken? Get out of my restaurant.)


Baked Potato.....4.25
No foil for these babies...we bake ’em on a bed of rock salt and slather ’em with a full stick of sweet cream butter. Sour cream, chives, bacon chunks, and cheddar available on request

Duchess Potatoes.....4.75
Well, we gotta do something with the insides when we make potato skins!

Potatoes o’Gratin™.....5.50
Our French-Irish recipe. Boiled in Guinness stout, topped with breadcrumbs and cheese - Sacré Begorrah!

Lyonnaise Potatoes.....5.00
With cream sauce, onions. Killer ’taters, and we ain’t “lyon”!

Chicken Fried Steak Fries™.....4.75
Inspired by the classic Texas dish, we batter fry thick-sliced spuds, then serve ’em up with cream gravy. Yee-haw!


Hot Fudge Sundae.....5.25
With our famous “chocolate asphalt” fudge. We’ll even bury a brownie under it for another 1.75

Chinese Chocolate Torture™.....5.00
A thick slab of devil’s food cake saturated with Hershey’s® syrup, served with a fortune cookie. Kung-fu-licious!

Fried Ice Cream.....8.25
Everything tastes better fried...especially this full pint block of Häagen-Dazs® chocolate!

Chunk o’ Choc™.....7.50
Simply the biggest damn Hershey bar you ever saw. For those who don’t want to “gild the lily”


Tub o’ Tini™.....12.75
No wimpy Cosmopolitans here. This is our 16 oz. cocktail shaker full of the Right Stuff...made with Bombay Sapphire gin. Rocket fuel of the stars!

Bucket o’ Black™.....12.75
The same 16 oz. cocktail shaker...filled to the brim with Johnnie Walker Black. Surrender car keys when ordering!

Coffee, tea, soft drinks (free refills!).....2.50

- Ask about our selection of humongous, ridiculously overpriced premium cigars -

So, whaddaya think? Does this place have a chance? Or have I overestimated the American appetite for just too damn much of everything?

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