Wednesday, December 10, 2008


[From my friend Dennis comes this bit of Internet folk wisdom. It’s especially apropos because I will be going in for my next scheduled Inspection of the Nether-Lands in just a few short weeks...]

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his (predominantly male) patients while he was performing their colonoscopies:
  • “Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!”

  • “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

  • “Can you hear me NOW?”

  • “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

  • “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”

  • “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

  • “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...”

  • “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

  • “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!”

  • “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

  • “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”

  • “God, now I know why I am not gay.”
And the best one of all...
  • “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
Well, these may or may not be real...but there is one that, for sure, I know is real...because I uttered it myself the last time I had the Dreaded Procedure:
  • “Am I gonna leave a vapor trail?”
At least, the Missus swears I said it. I was so ripped on anesthetic, I have absolutely no memory of anything. Which, in the case of a colonoscopy, is probably a very good thing.

What a month! Eye exam today, Brown-Eye Exam on the 30th. Oofah!

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