TREE DEBRIS

... it seems my friend up Tennessee way is out of ideas for blog-posts, rubberneckers... “out of gas,” I believe, was the phrase he used...

... this cannot stand... it is unacceptable...

... listen, the man can spin literary gold out of the most gossamer, insubstantial raw materials... I’ve seen him do it...

... take acorns, for instance... along with sweet gums, they piss him off... why this is, I cannot fathom, except it may have something to do with Tree Debris...

... you know about Tree Debris, rubberneckers... some trees have the unfortunate habit of spewing detritus... acorns from the mighty oak... pods from the not-so-mighty mimosa... and cherries from the chokecherry tree...

... in my Snot-Nose days, we had several chokecherry trees growing around our house... not a year would go by without them dumping their noisome fruit upon the walkways and patio... the sounds of cherrystones crunching and fruit squishing would fill our ears... not to mention the sounds of parents screaming when we would track the indelibly stainful cherry-juice onto the household carpets...

... and if that were not bad enough, the fermenting fruit would attract birds, who in their greed would sup upon the cherries and become tipsily unpredictable... depositing guano in random patterns... smacking into walls... I tell you, it was horrific...

... eventually, the ’rents hacked those trees down... they were merciless... not even the stumps remained...

... acorns were another story...

... my friend Barry describes how, after Saturday morning services, amongst the goodies on the kiddush groaning board were chickpeas... set forth in bowls, they were, and the old men would tell stories and discuss the weekly Torah portion while eating them out of hand...

... it seems the Rabbi’s son had a mischievous streak... a universal characteristic of Offspring of the Clergy, in my experience... he would gather the acorns that fell from the oak trees behind the synagogue...

... crack open an acorn, rubberneckers, and you will find a nut inside that looks remarkably like a chickpea...

... you can see where I’m going with this, can’t you?... several acorn kernels having been slipped into the bowls of chickpeas... consternation amongst the elders ensued... much gnashing of teeth and cracking of dentures...

... so, yes, acorns can piss you off...