THE LITTLEST GONIF

William and daddy Morris William.

Yesterday, in preparation for the annual Momma d’Elisson Memorial Chanukah Dinner, She Who Must Be Obeyed and I went to the Food-Store to assemble the requisite provisions, among which were a huge sack of Idaho russet potatoes and a drum of peanut oil.

Accompanying us was our nephew William, who, along with his kid sister Madison and daddy Morris William (SWMBO’s brother), arrived at 2:30 am after a 14-hour drive from Denton, Texas.

William is a typical six-year-old, full of energy and curiosity...and a talent for Kidly Duplicity.

As we worked our way through the store’s aisles, William would find various Food Items and bring them to SWMBO’s attention.

Pringles potato chips, Cheddar Cheese flavor.

“Those are really good. We get those all the time.”

Entenmann’s mini-muffins.

“We have those at home.”

Entenmann’s chocolate-covered mini donuts.

“Those are made with oil. We should get those for Chanukah.”

Oscar Mayer bologna.

“That’s what Mommy uses to make my sandwiches.”

Of course, I knew he was bullshitting us - except, possibly, for the bologna - and I suspect SWMBO knew, too. But we were playing the roles of Indulgent Aunt and Uncle, so we let him throw all that crap in the basket. When we got it all home, Morris William was simultaneously horrified and amused. Pringles?

The dinner - with 35 guests, possibly the biggest of its kind - was a lot of fun for everyone. SWMBO cranked out her world-class quality potato latkes, frying them up in two huge skillets, and I kept the Chinese food coming, making not one but two (count ’em!) trips to the local Asian eatery.


SWMBO (“Aunt Jew-Mima”) with the makings for a passel o’ fresh, hot latkes.

As things began winding down, we broke out the No-Limit Texas Dreidel kit and a pile of chocolate coins. Waaaay more fun than traditional dreidel (which is about as exciting as watching paint dry), No-Limit Texas Dreidel is, as you might expect, a mash-up of dreidel and Texas Hold ’Em poker. The money quote: “I got a full boat, gimels over nuns.”

Mom would have been proud. And she would have gotten a laugh from the Littlest Gonif, conning us into buying his Illicit Goodies. Chocolate donuts, anyone?