ASK MR. DEBONAIR

Dear Mr. Debonair,

It’s Valentine’s Day, and I would love to have a romantic, candlelit dinner with my Significant Other, a dinner that will implant thoughts of love and, perhaps, result in my getting lucky tonight! Can you offer any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Hot ’n’ Bothered

Dear Hot,

Saint Valentine’s Day, once upon a time, was a day upon which to celebrate the affectionate bonds between Man and Woman. Now, I suppose, it has become all about “getting lucky,” as you so crassly put it... but Mr. Debonair is nothing if not obliging, and so I happily offer my recommendations for a dinner that will dampen the panties of even the most obdurate Ice Queen.

Candlelight and chocolate help, but the key to a successful Valentine’s Day dinner is suggestion. Every dish should subtly plant certain ideas in your Dining Companion’s mind.

Let us start with the hors d’oeuvres. The great Casanovas of the past might have suggested oysters and snails - dishes reputed to have aphrodisiac qualities - but that is, to use an earthy term, a load of crap. You want something that suggests manly firmness. I suggest whole, unpeeled carrots, the larger the better, accompanied with ranch or bleu cheese dressing.

For an apéritif, you cannot beat single malt Scotch whisky. It has a smoky, sensuous flavor, accompanied by a high level of alcoholic content. Remember Ogden Nash’s famous dictum: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. And to ensure that the right ideas are implanted at every opportunity, may I suggest The Balvenie Double Wood.

The entrée should be something meaty. A manly steak will help get your point across. I recommend a Bone-In Ribeye Steak. It makes for excellent eating, and, as well, gives you the opportunity to ask, “How would you like your Bone-In?”

A fine wine should accompany your Bone-In Ribeye. A Troplong Mondot St. Emilion would be perfect, especially since you could explain (using your most urbane manner) that “Troplong” is French for “Too Long.” Really!

Dessert could be a traditional English pudding, accompanied by hard sauce. A Spotted Dick would fill the bill, but it raises health-related questions that one would be better off avoiding. Maybe a mince pie would be better. With the hard sauce.

Put all of this together, and there should be plenty of huggage and kissage... and the inevitable Juicy Consequences of same. Enjoy.

Best regards,
Mr. Debonair