KING OF THE GONIFS

Gonif being the Yiddish word for “thief.” I think it has so much more character. Anybody can be a thief - look at the bastards looting their way through the flooded streets of N’Awlins - but you have to have Big Brass Ones to be a gonif.

I met a fellow years ago in the course of my wanderings around the Southeast as a fresh-faced young Plastic Resin Pedlar. He was the Formaggio Grosso at a small film extrusion company in the Carolinas. Never did any business with him; a couple of years later, after one of my customers passed this little story, I was glad of it.

Seems this guy, prior to his assuming his current Exalted Position, used to sell stretch film for one of the local manufacturers - a company that has since grown to be a Titan of the Industry. One day he goes to his Sales Manager with a proposition: he wants to buy $400 worth of nuts - candied pecans, that sort of thing - to be given out as holiday gifts to his customers. The Sales Manager, being properly imbued with the Christmas Spirit, thinks this is a capital idea, and so he authorizes the expenditure and gets the Intrepid Salesman a cash advance to pay for the nuts.

Shortly after the New Year, the Salesman quits his job. Seems a new opportunity came along - the very same Exalted Position he now occupies.

Couple of months go by, and the Sales Manager gets a call from the Nut Company: “When are you guys going to send your payment for those nuts we shipped you back in December?”

And that is when the Sales Manager realizes that he has Been Had.

He is now out $800 - the $400 he fronted to the Gonif, and the $400 he has to pay the Nut Company. And he is Not Happy.

But he is even less happy when the next December rolls around. For that is when the customers started asking him, “Hey, y’all had those great nuts last year. Will you be selling them again this year?”

Now, that, Esteemed Readers - that is a Gonif.