I’VE GOT A SECRET...ION

Has this ever happened to you?

You’re driving along on the highway, minding your own business, alone in a rental car in a city not your own. The radio is tuned to some sort of talk show but you’re not paying much attention, because while you’ve been driving, you get the urge to scratch those itchy Ear Canals.

Sticking your finger into your ear almost ranks right up there on the Loathsome Scale with picking your nose, although I suppose there are worse places to shove a digit. Those places, thankfully, are inaccessible while driving. Especially while driving with your clothing on.

But I don’t want this to devolve into a nasty post about Bodily Orifices. We were talking about the Ear Canal, remember?

Anyway, you feel protected inside the Sphere o’ False Privacy in your car, so you take your index finger and start gently scratching your left ear...and then you feel like something is being dislodged. So you apply Full Reaming Thrust...

...and what comes out is a lump the size of an English pea. Eeeewwwwww! Gaaaaahhhh! It’s as though your ear has taken a shit!

So impressive is this chunk of Cranial Carnauba, however, that you can’t bring yourself to Do The Right Thing, which is to lower your window and flick that bastard into the slipstream. No, it’s too...too...amazing. “Did that just come outta my head?” you think. Wow! Proud Daddy of Young Chunk o’ Wax! “He’s a big ’un, isn’t he?”

And thus you find yourself rolling that bad boy up into a compact spherule – still more the size of a pea than a BB – and saving it in the car’s toll-money tray.

When your trip is over, you wrap it up and take it home with you, finding a corner of your medicine chest where Young Chunk won’t be disturbed.

Has this ever happened to you?

I hope not. Never happened to me...and if it did, I’d never admit it.