ASK MR. DEBONAIR

Dear Mr. Debonair,

What’s worse...warm beer, cold pizza or wet toilet paper?

(signed) Just Wondering

Dear Just Wondering,

The answer to your three-part question depends on just what it is with which the toilet paper is moistened.

First, let us examine the question of cold pizza.

Cold pizza may seem vile, especially when the delivery man shows up at your door and you are expecting a nice hot pizza - the kind that cooks the skin on the inside of your mouth - and instead are handed a congealed mess. And, indeed, under such circumstances it is acceptable to beat the delivery person with the cold pizza, or the box in which it came.

But leftover cold pizza can be sublime, especially when you are nursing a hangover and you cannot stand the High-Decibel Snapping, Crackling, and Popping of cold cereal. Not to mention the deafening crunch of every nerve-ending-grating bite. At such a time, Cold Pizza is a Good Thing.

Now, let us consider wet toilet paper.

It may shock you, Just Wondering, but there are advantages to using Wet Toilet Paper. If you have ever crimped off an Exceptionally Sticky One, the benefits of using moist paper will immediately be obvious to you. But there are some caveats with which you should be familiar.

First, conventional Toilet Paper is not designed to be used when wet. It is an exceedingly risky business to moisten Conventional Bunwad, as it is designed to disintegrate. You do not want to be cleansing the area, to put it delicately, when the paper falls apart in your hand, leaving you in the horrifying position of having hand-to-rosebud contact.

And moistening the paper by swishing it around in the bowl is Too Horrifying to Contemplate.

No, what you need to do is purchase one of any number of commercially produced, pre-packaged Moist Bunwad. It is available both as individual sheets and in roll form; the latter version requires a special dispenser to keep the product in moist usable condition. These products use a special kind of paper that resists tearing, even when wet - so you are less likely to commit inadvertent Anal Probery whilst engaged in the act of Cleansing Oneself.

Finally, let us discuss the matter of warm beer.

There are, to be perfectly candid, many excellent ales and beers that are best served, not at the teeth-crackingly cold temperatures most of us Americans associate with Mass-Produced Horse-Piss, but at a cool “cellar temperature” much like wine. When these fine products are enjoyed at, say, 50-55°F, instead of just above freezing, their multifaceted flavor profiles are most evident.

But warm beer? Christ, that blows.


[Mr. Rico Suave, AKA Mr. Debonair, will be happy to answer your questions. Just send ’em to Elisson, c/o this blog, and we’ll make sure to pass them along.]