THE BIG BLUE BOX

Now that the Big Blue Box has arrived in Atlanta, I once again must ask myself, “Self, what is the fascination people have with this place?”

It’s a legitimate question, because the last time there were this many people jammed into one place, they were giving away either (1) free land in Oklahoma, (2) free food, or (3) free blowjobs. [OK, I made that last one up.]

Is it the cute product names, like HOL, BILLY, VINDA, KILBY, SNÖTRÅGG, EYNUSS, and KEFLAVIK?

Is it the fact that you can get nice snicky-snacks there, like MEATBÖLLER, KRISPBRÖD, and cloudberry jam? And what’s up with those lingonberries? Last time I had a mess of lingonberries, I crapped out a LINGON LÖGG.

Is it the snazzy blue and yellow color scheme, the Raw Complementarity of which makes my head want to implode?

Is it the Swedish Modern cheap-ass, flat-pack, put-all-this-shit-together-with-a-toothpick-and-an-Allen-wrench simplicity of it all?

Who knows?

We - She Who Must Be Obeyed and I - are familiar with this Modern Retailing Icon from our days in Sweat City - Houston - in the 1990’s. These folks definitely fill a perceived need in this country, although I’m hard-pressed to tell you just what that need is.

But I have a theory.

It’s because of all those old Anita Ekberg flicks. We all think Swedish wimmin are Hot Stuff, and so we allow our Significant Others to drag us there in the hopes we will get a glimpse of Massive Swedish Kalamatunis.

Anyway, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. Now, can somebody give me a hand getting this FUKNKRÅPP out of the car?