FROM THE ELISSON ARCHIVE

comes this Fictional Interview with Abbie Hoffman, legendary counterculture troublemaker, political activist, and Chicago Seven member.

As you may or may not know, Hoffman died in 1989 from complications resulting from swallowing about 150 phenobarbital tablets. Namely, that shit’ll kill you. He had been suffering from bipolar disorder, and it probably did not help his frame of mind to know that he was increasingly irrelevant. His suicide note read, “It’s too late. We can’t win. They’ve gotten too powerful.”

Too powerful for him, in any event.

Back in 1990, sixteen months after Hoffman’s suicide, Rush Limbaugh (who was then only beginning to grow into the nationally broadcast blowhard he is today) had suggested that USA Today was planning to interview the late Hoffman in the event he were to be exhumed as part of an investigation into his death. Farfecthed? Sure. But irresistible. I therefore took pen in hand and wrote a script for that interview.

Imagine, if you will...

USA Today:
We’re here today with the late Abbie Hoffman, who has been kind enough to allow us to ask a few questions relative to his political career as a professional revolutionary and gadfly, and also to illuminate details of his recent unfortunate demise. You’re looking rather fit today, Abbie, despite the fact that you haven’t been getting much sun lately.

Hoffman:


USA Today:
It has been reported that your antidepressant medication has been implicated in several suicides, a circumstance which is currently under investigation. Do you recall feeling especially depressed coincident with your beginning this therapy?

Hoffman:


USA Today:
Is it possible that, during your ingestion of a fifth of “Gentleman Jack,” you may have overlooked your having taken, just prior, about 250 tablets and capsules of various sleep-inducing medications?

Hoffman:


USA Today:
What are your views concerning the buildup of US forces in Saudi Arabia? [Note: this was written during the preparation for the Desert Storm invasion of Iraq.] Do you feel, as Ron Kovic does, that a parallel can be drawn between this action and the events leading up to the US involvement in Vietnam?

Hoffman:


USA Today:
Abbie, we’d like to thank you for taking the time to visit with us today and wish you the best of luck.


* * *
The rest of the story:
I faxed the interview to Limbaugh and - whaddaya know? - he read it over the air the next day. Whoop-tee-doo.