MR. HELPFUL

Last week, as She Who Must Be Obeyed and I were attending worship services in what some of the local folk here call the “Jew Church,” we had one of those Moments of Mutual Recognition.

It’s when the two of you are struck by the same observation at the same time; and because of your shared history, that observation takes on a whole added dimension. It can be as simple as an inside joke, or as profound as death and taxes. In our case, it was the simultaneous recollection of a certain Humorous Anecdote.

What triggered it was the fact that the lady in the pew directly ahead of us had stood up (as the congregants are expected to do at certain points in the proceedings) – but with her skirt wedged firmly in her Ass-Crack. SWMBO and I looked at the Inadvertent Wedgie at the exact same time, and then at each other – and it was all we could do to keep from laughing out loud.

It’s not that the Wedgie was so funny in and of itself. It’s that it reminded us both of the same joke, at the exact same time:

It seems that there was a gentleman for whom it was rare to ever see the inside of a synagogue. Nonobservant…and yet, one year, he felt a longing to be reconnected to his faith. He therefore made the necessary arrangements to attend Rosh Hashanah services. Alas, his wife did not care to accompany him, so he went alone.

Imagine her surprise when he returned home that afternoon with his left eye blackened.

“What happened to you? And in shul, yet?”

And the gentleman explained.

“There was this lady who was sitting in the row in front of me, and when we stood up for the Shemoneh Esrei, I saw that her dress had gotten caught in her tuchus crack. I wanted to be helpful, so I reached over and pulled it out…and she slugged me!”

His wife replied, “I’m not surprised. You shouldn’t go around pulling out women’s dresses from their butts – it’s impolite. Don’t be so helpful, Mr. Helpful.”

The next day, the gentleman set out to attend Rosh Hashanah services again, as it is a two-day holiday. And once again, he returned home, this time with his right eye blackened.

“Now what happened?” asked his wife.

“Well, it turns out I was sitting behind the same lady from yesterday. And, it also happens that when we stood up for the Shemoneh Esrei, I saw that her dress had again gotten caught in her tuchus. But I remembered what you told me, and I didn’t pull it out.

“All of a sudden, while we are standing, her dress pops right out of her tuchus crack.

“So I shoved it back in…and she slugged me again!”

[N.B. - This joke can be effectively transplanted to any House of Worship that offers mixed seating. Just plug in Easter instead of Rosh Hashanah, and reference the appropriate part of the service when the congregation stands. Try it on your minister or priest!]