Thursday, September 30, 2004


Here’s another one of those infamous “memes” that has been circulating in Bloggyworld. No, this is not that “100 Things About Me” list that everybody and his brother seem to have tacked up on their blog sidebars. This is a list of things that, presumably, you will have done if you’ve lived a full and satisfying life. Well, done some of ’em, anyway. There are a few things on this list that I have absolutely no desire to do.

I ripped this off of Gut Rumbles (thanks, Acidman!) but, of course, these are my answers.

200 Things

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink - Naw, still waiting for that hole-in-one.
02. Swam with wild dolphins - No, but watched the kids swim with domesticated ones.
03. Climbed a mountain - Define “mountain.”
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive - Not yet, dammit.
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid - No. It’s a tomb, innit?
06. Held a tarantula. - Hell, no.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone - Oh, yeah.
08. Said “I love you” and meant it - Yes.
09. Hugged a tree - Climbed, yes. Hugged, no.
10. Done a striptease - Does it have to have been in public? If so, no. However, I did show my man-boobs on Bourbon Street last year and was rewarded with a bead necklace for my efforts.
11. Bungee jumped - Hell, no, and I don’t want to.
12. Visited Paris - Yes, once. For just one night.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea - From the shore, yes.
14. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise - Too many times, mostly in college.
15. Seen the Northern Lights - Nope. But I want to.
16. Gone to a huge sports game - Yes, the US Open Tennis Tournament in 1982 and the Masters in 1992-93. The Masters was the real thing, not the practice rounds.
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa - No.
18. Grown and eaten my own vegetables - No, unless you count some scraggly basil leaves and raspberries.
19. Touched an iceberg - No.
20. Slept under the stars - Not lately.
21. Changed a baby’s diaper - I’ve got two (now adult) kids. Cloth, disposable, been there, done that. Feh.
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon - Not yet.
23. Watched a meteor shower - Oh, yeah. Very romantic, just me and SWMBO on the deck.
24. Gotten drunk on champagne - Yes. Well, maybe just slightly loopy.
25. Given more than you can afford to charity - No.
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope - Yes.
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment - Does it count if you rupture yourself trying to restrain it?
28. Had a food fight - Does digested food count?
29. Bet on a winning horse - No, dammit.
30. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill - Would Grandpaw do that?
31. Asked out a stranger - A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
32. Had a snowball fight - Of course!
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier - No. And the office staff is grateful.
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can - Yep, on any given roller coaster.
35. Held a lamb - Yes. Internally. Cooked, masticated, and swallowed.
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy - Don’t think so.
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip - Yep.
38. Taken an ice cold bath - Not as an adult. As a feverish kid, probably.
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar - Nope, sorry. Now here’s your nice, shiny dime.
40. Seen a total eclipse - Closest I’ve come was an annular eclipse I saw in downtown Atlanta in 1984. Rarer than a total eclipse but not quite as spectacular, because it doesn’t get pitch black. Awesome, nevertheless.
41. Rode on a roller coaster - Yes.
42. Hit a home run - Not that I remember.
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days - I’ve fit three days into three weeks...
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking - Anytime I dance, OK?
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day - No, mainly because SWMBO won’t put up with it.
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors - Not yet.
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment - Yes.
48. Had two hard drives for your computer - One at a time, bub- one at a time.
49. Visited all 50 states - At last count, I was up to 47.
50. Loved your job for all accounts - Liked, maybe. Loved, never.
51. Taken care of someone who was shitfaced - Yes. Nobody’s gonna drown in his own puke on my watch.
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied - No, but whose fault is that?
53. Had amazing friends - Yes.
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country - No.
55. Watched wild whales - Do wild porpoises count?
56. Stolen a sign - No. Why, is Libra missing?
57. Backpacked in Europe - I’ve briefcased in Europe.
58. Taken a road-trip - Hell, yes.
59. Rock climbing - Only the ones in my head.
60. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice - Can’t recall...
61. Midnight walk on the beach - Yes.
62. Sky diving - Not yet, and if SWMBO has anything to say about it, not ever.
63. Visited Ireland - Does Irish whisky count?
64. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love - Yeah, over my first love.
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them - Two notable places: Hong Kong and at the Carnegie Deli in New York.
66. Visited Japan - Yes, several times.
67. Bench pressed your own weight - I could bench press my own bench.
68. Milked a cow - Yes, at the Oil Ranch in Hockley, Texas. Not a lot of fun.
69. Alphabetized your records - Not even I am that anal retentive.
70. Pretended to be a superhero - Sure. Super Baciagalupe.
71. Sung karaoke - Yes. Even in Indonesian, once.
72. Lounged around in bed all day - Many times, but never enough.
73. Posed nude in front of strangers - Naw. I’m allergic to other people’s projectile vomiting.
74. Scuba diving - No way. Watched too much “Sea Hunt” as a kid.
75. Got it on to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye - No. Kinda trite, what?
76. Kissed in the rain - Yes. Once even got picked up by the TV cameras at a rainy Mets game doing so.
77. Played in the mud - Hell, yes.
78. Played in the rain - Of course - not even counting No. 76 above.
79. Gone to a drive-in theater - Hey, this is America! Of course.
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it. - Sure.
81. Visited the Great Wall of China - Not yet.
82. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog - Naw. Who’s not supposed to know?
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better - Define “better.”
84. Started a business - Not anything legitimate.
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken - SWMBO has never broken my heart. Kayn ayin hora.
86. Toured ancient sites - Yep. Teotihuacan, in Mexico.
87. Taken a martial arts class - Nope. Not marital arts, either.
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman - What the fuck?
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight - I may have been a nerd when I was in high school, but I was never that bad.
90. Gotten married - Once. To SWMBO, the love of my life.
91. Been in a movie - Home movies only, dammit.
92. Crashed a party - I’m sure.
93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have - Naw.
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy - You’ll have to ask SWMBO. Made me dizzy, for sure.
95. Gotten divorced - No!
96. Had sex at the office - No. And if I were to have sex at the office, the answer to No. 95 above would likely change.
97. Gone without food for 5 days - No. 27-28 hours without food or drink is about the most I can manage, but, hell, I do that every year.
98. Made cookies from scratch - Is there any other way?
99. Won first prize in a costume contest - No.
100. Rode a gondola in Venice - Gotta get to Venice first, eh?
101. Gotten a tattoo - God forbid.
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on - Oh, yeah. That’s why I avoid silk boxers. Too much fun to wear.
103. Rafted the Snake River - No.
104. Been on television news programs as an “expert” - Only in media training role play exercises, so “no.”
105. Got flowers for no reason - No, but I have sent flowers for no reason.
106. Masturbated in a public place - No.
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything - Not that I remember.
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug - “Addicted” or “habituated”?
109. Performed on stage - Yes.
110. Been to Las Vegas - Several times.
111. Recorded music - My own? No.
112. Eaten shark - Yes. Not as good as swordfish.
113. Had a one-night stand - In the dim days of antiquity...
114. Gone to Thailand - Yes, several times.
115. Seen Siouxsie live - No, and no Banshees either.
116. Bought a house - We’re on number seven.
117. Been in a combat zone - Drove through the South Bronx a few times...
118. Buried one/both of your parents - Yes: my mother, olav ha-sholom.
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off - Now, why would I want to do that?
120. Been on a cruise ship - Not yet. Have been on the overnight ferry between Holland and England, though. That’s kind of a cruise. A real low-rent cruise.
121. Spoken more than one language fluently - About the only one I’m semi-fluent in is French, but I can manage a few phrases in German, Yiddish, Hebrew, Japanese, and Bahasa Indonesia.
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone - No.
123. Bounced a check - No, thanks to overdraft protection!
124. Performed in Rocky Horror - My kids would die of terminal embarrassment.
125. Read - and understood - your credit report - Not lately. Too weird and depressing.
126. Raised children - Yeah, two. Best contribution I’ve ever made to the planet.
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy - Do comic books count?
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour - No. One show here and there doesn’t count as “followed.”
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars - Yeah. Hey, look there! It’s the Shitweasel!
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country - No.
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did - Yeah - they got the fuck out of Europe, which is why they didn’t get killed off in the Holocaust.
132. Called or written your Congress person - Not lately.
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over - Do corporate transfers count? I thought not.
134. ...more than once? - more than thrice? - See above.
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge - No. Drove it, though.
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking - All the time.
137. Had an abortion, or your female partner did - No to both.
138. Had plastic surgery - I had a mole removed this year, but that doesn’t really count - it ain’t cosmetic plastic surgery.
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived - No, kayn ayin hora.
140. Wrote articles for a large publication - Only if the Princeton Tiger counts.
141. Lost over 100 pounds. No, not even if you add up all the gain-lose cycles I’ve lived through.
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback - What? No.
143. Piloted an airplane - Yes, but not solo.
144. Petted a stingray - No.
145. Broken someone's heart - Probably, and I’m not proud of that.
146. Helped an animal give birth - Gawd, no.
147. Been fired or laid off from a job - Yes.
148. Won money on a TV game show - Well, I helped win something-or-other for my high school in an appearance on “It’s Academic,” but nothing for me.
149. Broken a bone - Not yet, kayn ayin hora.
150. Killed a human being - No. Not that there aren’t some that need killing...
151. Gone on an African photo safari - No.
152. Rode on a motorcycle - Yes. An old BMW - fun!
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph - Two words: Interstate 610.
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced - No. Got cystoscoped once, though, does that count?
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol - CO2 rifle, back in day camp. Long time ago.
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild - Are you nuts? That shit’ll kill ya!
157. Rode a horse - Yep - but the Mistress of Sarcasm is the real rider in my family.
158. Had major surgery - Minor, yes. Major, no.
159. Had sex on a moving train - No, dammit.
160. Had a snake as a pet - No. Too bad, they’re cuddly bastards, they are.
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon - No. Looked at it from the top. Less sweaty that way.
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing - Yes. Most of one, anyway.
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours - Doubt it.
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states - No.
165. Visited all 7 continents - No. Four so far.
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days - No.
167. Eaten kangaroo meat - Not intentionally. Have no immediate plans to do so.
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground - Huh?
169. Been a sperm or egg donor - Not the way you’re thinking, no.
170. Eaten sushi - Today? This week? This month? How many times?
171. Had your picture in the newspaper - Yes. Not lately, though.
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime - Yes.
173. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about - Yes.
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions - No.
175. Gone back to school - No...but I have nightmares in which I do just that.
176. Parasailed - Yes, with Elder Daughter. Yee-ha!
177. Changed your name - Aside from blog aliases, no.
178. Petted a cockroach - Petted, no. Squashed, yes.
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes - More times than I can recall.
180. Read the Iliad - Well, a little. Does the Odyssey count?
181. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read - Yes.
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them - No.
183. ...and gotten 86’ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you - No.
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch - Yes...calligraphy.
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - No, lobsters excepted.
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt - No.
187. Skipped all your school reunions - High school, yes. But I go back to college every five years.
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language - Yes.
189. Been elected to public office - No. Never tried.
190. Written your own computer language - No.
191. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream - Hey, life is a dream.
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care - No, kayn ayin hora.
193. Built your own PC from parts - Was that parts or farts? Oh. No.
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you - No.
195. Had a booth at a street fair - No.
196: Dyed your hair - What, give up my dark brown locks?
197: Been a DJ - No.
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal - No.
199: Written your own role playing game - No.
200: Been arrested - No. Coupla traffic tickets, though. Yawn.

And, for extra credit, my own contribution:

201. Gone more than 30 years without puking - Hell, yes!

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